finding me

Read Episode 1 HERE

I stood and I began to feel my legs wobble. If the judges could see me for real, they would see that my legs were shaking underneath. I had blown away the minds of judges at other auditions (modelling, acting, you name it). They were always amazed at my talents and my beauty. Why this was different puzzled me.

The judges watched me closely. I could feel their eyes on me and I wanted to enter the ground. My world was crumbling before my very eyes.

And still I couldn’t do anything.

“Young lady. Are you going to …”

And that was when I felt warm down there. In between my thighs. Hot liquid. Down to my legs and then the floor. And I passed out.

I woke up to the smell of a hospital ward. Spirit, drugs, iodine and all sorts. I opened my eyes and saw mum looking into my eyes lovingly. I tried to sit up but I felt a sharp pain on my waist.

“Baby please lay still”

The memories came back again. The judges. My legs. The urine. I was so blank

The doctor came in almost immediately. She seemed friendly. Her smile made me want to smile but I refused to smile. Did I have kidney failure or what? Or was I pregnant? I only made out with Kingsley… We never went that far. Or did I have malaria? How a grown lady like me could pee on herself in broad daylight was…

“Anike” the doctor called softly as she touched my forehead. “How do you feel now?”

The tears were coming down now. “Fine” And I faced the wall. I was so angry with… With everything and everyone, including myself…

The doctor smiled and faced mum. ” Madam, your daughter is fine. She suffered severe shock. Maybe she was exposed to something or a situation entirely alien to her”. Mum looked at me, and I could see tears in her eyes. Mum felt my pain, and that made me feel a little better.

“She’ll be fine”, the doctor said.

I was discharged that evening. Mum and I began the journey home in her red volvo. She seemed worried, but she didn’t say a word. We got to Iyana Ipaja and as usual, the traffic was out of this world.

“Mum”

“Yes, baby”

I looked at her expecting her to ask me what was wrong. But her gaze was so reassuring…I had to bare out my mind to her.

“God hates me mum”

She was silent. I sense she was disappointed in my utterances. Mum had always talked about the Lord in ways I could never understand. He seemed so real to her…and He seemed so distant from me…

“Why did I pass out mum? This was going to be my lucky break mum. I was going to be a superstar. Is God not interested in how I feel? All my friends will make fun of me, and …amd.. Kingsley…”

“Who is Kingsley?” Mum asked

“A friend, mum”

She smiled. This smile that had an undertone of “why the lies?” I couldn’t bare to tell her about Kingsley, at least not yet. Really wanted to be sure of him before bringing him home. I remember the last time I saw Kingsley. We were in his room, kissing and all that. He seemed satisfied but I was so empty. I felt… Empty and dead as he fondled my nipples and groaned in ecstasy. He seemed happy, I felt dead. As he looked into my eyes and smiled. I smiled back, not because I was joyful, but because I didn’t want him thinking he wasn’t giving me pleasure or satisfying me. Just couldn’t explain the uneasiness I felt…

I kept quiet as mum continued driving. She still did not say a word. I only hoped she wasn’t upset with me. We got into the house and Joke smiled mischievously as always.

“How did the audition go, superstar?” She asked in a sarcastic tone. “I’m sure you tore the place apart. Atole (someone who bedwets). I began to cry helplessly.

“I hate you Joke. Infact, I hate my life” I shouted angrily as I raced upstairs. Mum looked lost. Joke looked happy that I was sad. I have been tempted to wonder if we came from the same womb. Sitting on my bed. I could feel my eyes swelling. I needed to talk to someone

         Talk to me.

That voice again. I didn’t need that. Thoughts of Kingsley came almost immediately. I decided to rush over to his place to see him. I wore my pink shirt and a black pair of pants and rushed downstairs. Mum was sitting aloof, while Joke had gone to her room… I could hear her blasting Beyonce’s “drunk in love”…. I could make her drink to death if I could. Mum looked so sad. I was tempted to say something to her…but I didn’t want to.

“Mum, I want to go and see a friend”

Mum looked at the time.

“Baby its….”

Dad walked in almost immediately. It was very unusual of him to be back from work this early. Yeah, 7:00pm was quite early. He came into the sitting room and sat down without saying a word to either of us. Why is everyone in this house depressed? I asked myself.

“Mum, I am on my way…”

“To where?” Dad asked. He turned around immediately and looked at me… Expressionless.

“I need to see a friend, dad”

“At this time?” He looked at me and then cast an accusing glance at mum. Mum said nothing. I wonder what was eating her up.

“Dad its…”

“Anike, to your room now!” He ordered. I knew better than to talk back. The last time I talked back to dad, my face ended up swollen for days…. And he never apologized. I shrugged my shoulders and went back to my room.

I sat down and tried calling Kingsley. My credit had been exhausted and my BIS subscription had expired a day before. I was surprised he didn’t even call. His international certification exams were coming up. I wanted to be understanding, oh! I wanted to be… But I wanted to hear his voice.

            Talk to Me

I got angry. I didn’t want to talk to… Talk to the voice. I just wanted to talk to Kingsley. I waited. He didn’t call. And I slept off.

I woke up in the midnight to hear screams. I tiptoed outside and overheard mum and dad argue…

“Shola, what has your God done for you so far?”

“Akin, God is faithful”

“Oh, shut up, woman. You lost our baby. My baby boy! What carelessness”
I put my hands over my mouth. Was Mum pregnant? Now it was all making sense. The regular drowsiness in the mornings and her mood swings… I could never have guessed…

“It wasn’t my fault,” Mum replied softly. I’ve just been..”

“You are an empty woman. You decided to give me two useless girls. No man to call my own…and what’s making you so depressed? Well not having a son is….”

“Akin, you are cheating on me” she cut in. She said it like the words were hard to bring out… I guess it had been eating her up for a while. Dad? Cheat? No!

There was silence. I heard dad bang the door. Then I heard mum’s soft sobs. I felt a painful throb in my heart and I tiptoed immediately to my room… And all I could do was cry…..

                        Talk to Me

to be continued, Wed, 1 Oct

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Written by Oyinkansola Ige

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Will you be in Lagos this sunday?

This Sunday at Celebration Church, @Ikeja City Mall, Silverbird Cinema, Hall 5, 9:00am

This Sunday at Celebration Church, @Ikeja City Mall, Silverbird Cinema, Hall 5, 9:00am

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