shadows

“Okay”, Lekan replied.

He smiled at me as he looked at his wrist watch consecutively. “Gosh, I didn’t even know time had gone so much babes”, he said as he got up and hugged Sola. He seemed reluctant to hug me in front of Sola, so he held my hand. “See you guys around”, he said as he rushed out of the cafeteria.

I sat, numb and helpless. I felt like I was caged by Sola, and that she wouldn’t leave me alone…even if I just needed some space.

“I don’t understand you, Remi”, she said as she sat down and looked at me

“How do you mean?” I asked as I played with my hair.

“You know I don’t want you around any guy, let alone my brother?” she asked spitefully. “Are you tired of this relationship, Remi?” she asked as she looked like she could see every thought in my heart.

YES! YES! Of course I am…

“It’s not that, Sola”, I replied as I began to stutter. “It’s just that I….I…I…”

“You need your space?” she asked as she looked into my eyes sternly.

“Something like that…”, I replied in a fearful tone.

She stood up almost immediately…I could see that her eyes were already red.

“I knew something like this was going to happen, Remi.” she began as she squeezed her fist. You’ve met someone else, right?”

Someone else? Seriously? I was just tired, arggh!

“No…I…”

“Shut up and let me finish” she cut in, as some students began to look at us. I wanted to enter the ground. I tried making signals to her that she was shouting, but I doubt she was listening to me.

“It’s not that, Sola”, I replied with tears in my eyes.

“You think I allowed you touch me and all, just for the fun of it? You think my body is some toy?” she whispered as tears began to fall from her eyes. I didn’t understand the situation anymore. It was like I was losing all forms of love I had for her…even sexually. I did not understand, neither could I place a finger on why I was the way I was…

She walked away almost immediately….and I knew there was trouble.

We stopped talking, or rather, she stopped talking to me. She began to get close to Shannel, one of our classmates. . Of course, I heard that Shannel was also a lesbian, and that she was hot cake in Lagos. She would visit big madams in Alausa, and they would give her good love and good money…but somehow she was so coded about it, only a few knew what she was up to. Our course mates began to ask if I and Sola were fighting….I could not even respond to them.

Countless nights, I became restless….Like my body was craving for something It has no access to. Finally, one night, I decided I could do without having someone touch me…and so I browsed on videos and well… you know the rest. I began to touch myself and excite myself. It became a daily habit, like a stronghold. I couldn’t stop. I began to relish times that I would be alone, where the lights would be off. Of course, Sola now slept in Shannel’s room (Shannel was in Dorcas female Hall, while I was in Mary Female Hall) so….it was just me and my other roommates, who didn’t give a flip about me. I would continue to bring myself all the pleasure I wanted…

But deep down, I knew there was something more to life than sex and the pleasures that come with it…I just didn’t know why I felt that way…

One night as I was getting ready for bed, I heard some girls whispering.

“I heard they caught two girls in Dorcas hall”

They began to giggle and ask who and what and bla bla. I cared less anyway. Immediately I got into the room, I saw my roommates waiting for me.

“So, they caught Sola and Shannel in Dorcas hall”, Ifenachi said in a rather sarcastic tone.

I was as pale as ever. My heart began to pound. I became so frightened. What if Sola exposed me? My knees began to wobble and I began to sweat profusely.

“I hope you realize that God is on your side. Do you want to get expelled?” Tola asked, as she looked at me with such pity. They put their hands on my shoulder almost immediately, as if they knew I wanted to cry. Anyway…

I began to cry. Tola and Ifenachi left the room almost immediately (as if they knew I needed to wail).

That night, I lost all manner of strength to do the usual…I saw Sola in my dream threatening to deal with me mercilessly if I did not confess. It was such a restless night. And there was no one to talk to.

The next day, I heard that Sola had already gone home. She didn’t even come to the room to get her things. I was confused and distraught at everything. Questions began to pop in my mind. ‘What if we never broke up?” What if I was the one who was caught? What if I had gone home? What if people had seen me? What if …..

That moment, I decided that I was going to stop!

I didn’t even know where to start. Already, I heard that there was a Bible study Foundation Class. But I didn’t think it was for someone like me…until the next day.

Someone announced my name. As I got downstairs, I saw Lekan….He looked really sad; I only hoped that Sola hadn’t told him anything.

“Lekkie” what s up?

“Remi…how are you?” he asked as he cleaned his face.

“I am fine”. I touched his face and his face lighted up a bit. “You’ve been crying Lekan, what is it?” I asked as I glanced briefly at his parents.

“My parents asked me to come help pick Sola’s things. Apparently, they are sad that my sister is a lesbian…I don’t even know what to do or say…” He continued to sob…I could do nothing but stare at this amazing man cry. I could feel his pain…could I?

I, Tola and Ifenachi helped bring Sola’s things downstairs. Her parents were not even smiling at all. I can imagine…my parents would have beaten the life out of me. When they finished putting allthe luggage in the car, they gave I and my roommates some money to share. I wasn’t particularly excited about it because I sensed Lekan knew that I was a lesbian (that I am a lesbian LOL)

And my fears were confirmed.

As the parents drove off, Lekan walked back towards me and asked me to walk with him to the cafeteria. I decided to, since the only threat that stood between us had been “expelled”. As we walked, I noticed how cold he was all of a sudden.

“Lekan, are you alright?”

He stopped immediately and looked at me. His eyes that used to look so gentle, suddenly resembled flames of fire. He looked into my eyes; I could feel his gaze piercing into the deep parts of my soul.

“Remi, do you love yourself?”

I wondered what he meant, although I hoped that he did not know about my sexual affinities.

“Yes I do”, I replied as I cast my head down.
He brought my head up and looked into my eyes again.

“Remi, I am deeply in love with you”.

I blushed like a baby….I wondered what he saw…in a lesbian like me…

“But if you are not willing to love yourself, what we share will never grow.” He left almost immediately. I knew he began crying again, because his legs were wobbly and he was literally walk-running towards the cafeteria. I stood and watched him go till he became a distant shadow.

And soon, tears began to trickle from my eyes too.

And then, I knew I needed that Bible Class…

* * *

…to be continued, Fri, 30th Jan.

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Episode 1 HERE

Episode 2 HERE

Written by Oyinkansola Ige

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finding meFrom the author of SHADOWS, read this intriguing story series titled FINDING ME, click HERE

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