shadows

Thank goodness.

It was the date day.

I was so excited. I hadn’t prayed about it because I didn’t think it was a necessity to pray, I mean… it’s a relationship, not marriage.

That’s true, I didn’t even gist you… Gbemi came to my room last night like she wanted to talk. I honestly did not feel like talking to her, honestly, I did not. But mum said it would be nice if I started talking to her and blah! Bla!

“Hi…” she said, as she carried Baby Jomo. He was the cutest baby ever, I smiled at him and then I forced a smile at her.

She sat down almost immediately, even without me asking her to.

“I came to talk to you, Remi…” she said as she looked intently into my eyes. I was getting distracted already because I really wanted to sleep before my big date. But she was my step mum and I couldn’t afford to disrespect her, so…

“Okay”. I replied as I smiled. For some strange reason, I didn’t exactly hate her like I said I did earlier. I was not just happy with the situation. I just wish…. If wishes were horses…

“I am not a bad woman, Remi”, she said as tears began to stream from her eyes. “ Things are not as they seem”, she said, as she wiped the tears off her face. I collected Jomo from her as she was weeping, and I patted her shoulder.

“Why my dad?” I asked like she was some witch from the skies, LOOL.

“It wasn’t supposed to be so, Remi”, she replied as she looked at me again. I felt this sharp… sharp pain in my chest. I felt like there was more to this than dad and mum presented it, I just wasn’t too sure.

“You can talk to me anytime,” I replied and smiled at her. I held her hand like she was my own sister. I asked her about her family. It was then I found out that she was an orphan. I felt really sad for her. I don’t know what my life would be like if I lost my own parents. We chatted for a while, and I told her about my big date.

“Is he cute?” she asked.

I was about to open my laptop to show her his picture when we began to perceive some terrible smell. I looked down and realized that Jomo had pooed on me. He was laughing now, and I began to laugh. Gbemi seemed uneasy at first, but when she saw I was laughing, she began to laugh too. She carried him almost immediately and stood up abruptly.

“I must go now”, she said as she smiled at me. “Thanks so much for accepting me as your friend”.

I smiled back at her, genuinely as I could. “You are welcome”.

Anyway, the big date came and I was so excited. Gbemi helped me to style my hair and she helped me select what cloth to wear. I was going to wear jeans at first, but she picked a pink flowery gown with some black flats.

“Have fun okay?”

“Yes”, I replied. “I will sweetheart.”

“When will you be back?” Gbemi asked. She really looked concerned, but I was too excited to ask.

“By evening na, it’s just to hang with him and come back, dear. Besides, he’s a really nice guy”.

We both laughed again and I hugged her and left for ICM. The parents and bro were not at home so…no questions asked.

I got to ICM and sat at the KFC side. I was hoping he would see me, and I didn’t want to call him that I was already here. Fortunately, he walked into the KFC restaurant. What a coincidence. This was definitely meant to be.

We saw and immediately, I saw how bright his eyes became. I was so excited, my heart was in my throat and I could feel goosebumps all over my body. We hugged each other immediately, and strangely, I was actually excited to see me. After ordering for some chicken and ice cream, we sat down and began to say sweet nothings to each other.

“Remi, I am in love with you”, he said, as he held my hand and played with my thumb. I smiled like a baby and looked into his eyes intently.

“Same here Lekan”, I replied. Even if I didn’t have a clue of what love meant but I was willing to give it a try. I only hoped that by being in a relationship, my lesbian tendencies would reduce. I would be able to have sex normally, and all…like normal girls do.

“Let’s do this babe. Let us go on with life together. I want us to be together, you know…”

I put my finger on his lips and smiled again. “I am all yours, Lekan”.

It felt like a new flower just broke out of its bud. I was happy. In a relationship. I knew being with him would help me with my sexual orientation. I wasn’t sure of if he was sexually active, but I was sure that I wanted him for myself. We went into the cinemas and watched “30 days in Atlanta”. It was a funny movie. At the end, where the four characters were walking into the airport to board the plane, he looked at me and smiled.

“We will hold hands like this forever, Remilekun”.

So….I was in a relationship. Apart from the feeling of being wanted by someone, I felt a deep fear too. What ifs began to cross my mind. I became scared all of a sudden. What if I am wrong? What if I made the wrong decision? What if he’s not mine? What if he leaves? I still didn’t feel the need to pray about it…. I was going to have to handle it myself…

That night, I imagined him in bed with me and I began to masturbate…again. This time, I cried as I did because I knew it was wrong… but I found it so hard to stop. As I cried, I opened my laptop and decided to just watch porn again…just to get thoughts of God off my mind. As I watched it, I still felt so much guilt as I felt pleasure too.

It wasn’t as easy as I thought…. And the burden seemed weighty and heavy to bear. And I couldn’t talk about it because I didn’t want to be judged by anyone.

The next morning, dad came to check up on me. He had been avoiding me for a while, I guess he felt guilty and all…He walked in as I woke up and sat on my bed. I sat up immediately and looked at him, wondering what he wanted.

“Remi, I know you are angry with me”, he said softly.

“Yes, daddy, I am. You hurt mum and me”

“It was a mistake…”

“It’s okay, dad”, I cut in. “I am not upset anymore”, I said as I smiled. I smiled because thoughts of Lekan waltzed through my mind. All I could do was think of him…Holding me and doing all that *chuckles*. Dad and I hugged immediately and he gave me some money and asked me to do anything I wanted to do with it. Of course… I would go on dates with Lekan.

I and Lekan saw every other day. We would meet up at his place most of the time. Luckily, Shola was hardly around. I wondered what would happen if she found out, but I was going to enjoy the moments with him. We would watch movies and cuddle on the sofa. We would look into each other’s’ eyes and laugh. I would have loved to kiss him, but I wanted him to kiss me first, LOOL…so I didn’t push it in any way.

However, he did something that made me super scared.

We were eating suya with a bottle of red wine one evening like that. I looked into his eyes and well…

“Why don’t you want to kiss me?” I asked intently.

He looked at me and smiled, and I wondered what was so funny.

“Remi, I do not want to kiss or touch anyone until I am married”, he said. We continued eating, and I knew he wanted to ask me a question. I simply waited for him to ask.

“Are you a virgin?” He asked me as he looked into my eyes, again.

And I wanted to faint…because I was nothing close to being chaste. Even if I may have never had sex with a guy, I wasn’t his ideal “babe”….and that was my ish….

And then…my past came calling…as Shola walked in on two of us…

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…to be continued, Tue, 10th Feb.

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Episode 1 HERE

Episode 2 HERE

Episode 3 HERE

Episode 4 HERE

Episode 5 HERE

Written by Oyinkansola Ige

finding meFrom the author of SHADOWS, read this intriguing story series titled FINDING ME, click HERE

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