My legs began to wobble under me. For the life of me, I didn’t think that Shola would be around. Lekan said she travelled over the weekend.
For the first time in my life, I knew I was in deep shit, because I didn’t think Shola had forgiven me for breaking up with her and for leaving her even when she was expelled.
“I can’t believe this”, she began, as her eyes were turning blood shot red. “What the flip is going on here brother Lekan?” She asked as she looked at him, she so totally ignored me. I felt like I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. I wish I had told Lekan the truth. I wish I were open about my struggles. Now Shola would paint me bad and he would probably not want to see me again.
“Nothing, Shola”, Lekan replied. “Remi came to visit me…is there a problem with that?”
Shola looked at me and the look in her eyes said one thing.
“Remi, I warned you to leave my brother alone, didn’t I? You slut. You don’t seem to get it do you? My brother is not interested in your kind…”
“Shut up Shola. Don’t talk to her like that”, Lekan shouted as he got up. His hands were shaking now. I had never seen him that way in my entire life. He looked so… mad…and I was so petrified. I only prayed for a means of escape.
Lord Jesus, if I needed You anytime, it’s now.
As they continued to argue, my mind began to race back to times when I had masturbated, where I had been consumed in my own lusts. I began to shed tears little by little. I wanted to be set free. Deep inside I wish it didn’t have to be this way…I wish I could…I could just live my life in peace. I felt like I was in a cage, and all self-efforts made to get out proved futile.
Turn to Him and you will be saved….
“Are you deaf?”
I looked up and saw Lekan looking at me. He looked… puzzled. I was so unaware of what was going on, I wondered what Shola had told him.
“Ask her”, Shola said in anger. “This one, nothing good can ever come out of her. Pervert oshi!”
She hissed immediately and went into her room. I and Lekan stared at each other for a while. He was trying to process whatever it was that Shola told him… I was ready to tell him the truth. I didn’t need him thinking I was hiding anything from him.
“Remi…is it true?” He asked as his hands shook. His eyes were red now…I wasn’t sure if it was from tears unshed or from the anger he felt in his heart towards me. “Are you a lesbian?”
I began to sob quietly as I nodded my head. Lekan sat down and began to cry. I wasn’t sure of why he was crying. I didn’t even know how to pacify him. I tried holding him, but he shove my hand from his… I just had to keep quiet.
“You…You should…have told me Remi”, he said as he wiped the tears off his face. I was still puzzled as to why he was crying. I was supposed to be the one crying here, begging him not to leave me. But he was in pains because I was a lesbian? Did he really love me that much?
We didn’t say much after. He just continued to stare at me with…. I don’t know…so much disappointment in his eyes. I wish I could just leave. I felt so dirty.
Those words continually rang in my ears. I wanted to just end it all….
I carried my bag almost immediately and rushed out of his house. I sort of expected him to chase me…
But he didn’t.
And that was where I knew…I was alone.
I woke up the next morning on my bed. It was hard to understand why… why I was a lesbian. I derived pleasure from girls, and from guys too. My mind had played so many tricks on me, and pornography had become second nature to me. I could play and replay scenes of porn in my head every day. It never occurred to me till now that I was headed for somewhere not too good. I wanted to get out, but I didn’t know what to do. I was tired of praying because each time I prayed, I would go back anyway, and repeat the same action again. I just needed to talk to someone.
After much contemplation, I decided to go see dad in his office, hoping he would have an idea of any counselor that I could talk to about everything. I wore my clothes sharply and as I headed down the stairs, I met Gbemi breastfeeding the baby. She looked at me once and immediately I sense she knew something was wrong. But as mature as I knew she was, I knew she wouldn’t ask abruptly.
“I am going to dad’s office” I said as I opened the door leading to the courtyard.”
“Have you called him?” She asked with a look of concern on her face.
“Naa, no need to dear. I’ll be back”.
I was on bike as thoughts on everything came heavy on me. I knew it was not normal to be like this, I mean, I felt like I was the only one with sexuality issues in the world. Everyone in my service unit believed sex outside marriage was wrong, not to talk of lesbianism. It was my deepest, darkest secret, and now…Lekan knew and…he hadn’t called me since yesterday.
I got to dad’s office and asked to see him. The secretary told me to hold on, that he was busy and didn’t want to see anyone. Of course, I knew dad would want to see me. I sat and waited for an opportunity to get into the office with the snacks and drinks I got him from Sweet Sensation. The Secretary got up ten minutes later and went into a smaller room I suspected was the toilet. As she closed the door, I ran into dad’s office.
What I saw…changed my life…till today…till…forever.
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…to be continued, Fri, 13th Feb.
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Episode 1 HERE
Episode 2 HERE
Episode 3 HERE
Episode 4 HERE
Episode 5 HERE
Episode 6 HERE
Written by Oyinkansola Ige
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From the author of SHADOWS, read this intriguing story series titled FINDING ME, click HERE
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