It took me time to finally make a decision to send this. However since I was blessed by other “DAMAGED” stories, I decided to make the move. It’s not because the healing hasn’t occurred but because the thoughts still remain and hit me hard like it was yesterday.
It all started with a man. A neighbour at my cousins’ place. I was young, I mean too young to even remember the age. Well, I didn’t realise what has been done to me by this man. I can’t remember how he looks now. All I knew is he carried me in a manner which was all sexual. Pretending to carry me but was actually doing the evil in his heart. Well, that obviously had an impact on me. Little did I know what it was back then, but that marked the beginning.
That same period an older cousin of mine took me inside his room and did the same. Will I call it sex or rape?
When I got back home from my visit to my cousins. I couldn’t but continue. In fact, I even had neighbours and friends who had started such sexual relationships. It wasn’t just with guys but with girls now.
Each time I did that I actually felt dirty and wrong. I prayed immediately. In fact, I told the people also to ask God to forgive us because it was wrong, we did, but we fell back.
I never watched pornography in fact when I saw one and tried I was disgusted and asked God to forgive me for even trying.
When I was finally 11 years old. I made a vow on my own to stop the sexual acts I did. I was glad and fulfilled to start afresh and I became quiet too. Just as I did, a girl of my age who was also involved with me in prior sexual relations threatened this vow as she severally wanted to initiate sex as she spent days in my house.
I tried to prevent her even though I also wanted her not to stop but she had her way. That day I was sad ’cause each time I broke my vow and took grace for granted. Well, I prayed earnestly for her to leave. The Same day, I made my vow for real and I added that I would never get married because it was a guy who started this. I felt I was too wasted now to ever get married. Also with the fact that I wasn’t ready to narrate this past to any man.
I liked someone but well it was like. I only liked him in my imagination and I wasn’t ready for any relationship. Till I started liking another whom I liked with all my heart. I don’t think I can describe in words how much he meant to me. Even till now he has a place in my heart well not as obsessed as I was before. Oh, I called him and all, even though he ignored me ’cause I was like hell to him.
Finally, he became my friend and from there my boyfriend. I told him about my past and he said that was nothing anymore.
I’m telling you I can’t explain the joy that filled my soul. I was in 200 level in the university when we started going out, It was a very pure relationship. I must say very pure and that made me love him more. He was too nice to me but well it ended which I really can’t explain though because I do not understand how till now.
I got God’s master plan for my life as I was in that relationship and God called me to worship. After the break up I cried every day and attempted murder. Well God is great, the devil only wanted to make me say THE END when it was just the beginning. I cried so much that I actually dried up all my tears and till now I doubt if I can cry if I lose any guy.
That break, I studied the book of Romans and I don’t know how it changed me. I couldn’t stay a day without reading my bible. I finally became a bible addict, even during lectures I read it.
Then I met a very spiritual guy, he taught me the word and I was too excited.
Meanwhile, I had begged my ex to come back but to no avail. Well with the word of God, I forgot the past tears, I started liking this spiritual guy. Probably I mistook the affection, I think it was a rebound. He knew and said he likes me too which even made me glad that it was mutual. Oh, and I never liked hugging guys because of my past experience.
Well, one day he hugged me and I knew something was wrong. He was just too close so that caused me to write a letter not direct but to find out cause at that point I was suspicious. He gave a positive reply of how he had laid all at the altar of sacrifice (his flesh) and I was relieved, it was probably an imagination that propelled my suspicious act.
Then one day he tried to get physical, I’m telling you I was too shocked. When I’m shocked I remain quiet trying to understand. Well, he still taught me the word and each time I asked he assured me of the flesh-sacrificed. Well I didn’t dispute because I didn’t want to battle with the anointed, I was learning spiritual authority.
Then the physical intimacy between us continued, I was scared ’cause my past which was now past was making me sad again. I told him of how wrong this was and it was mere lust trying to arouse such feelings which he said it wasn’t, that that is allowed in a relationship as far as sex was not involved. I was confused because he was spiritual and could almost back it up with scriptures.
He asked me out well I couldn’t explain my feelings, whether I was happy or not because I felt trapped thinking about the past and just said since it had started. It was better to get married to him because I wouldn’t want to start explaining to another man how the past reappeared, I would only look foolish at my age.
Tried to get physical (kissing, touching…) even more in the relationship and I told him that if he did this I would only get irritated because I always had it in mind to shout at him but I was scared. I just couldn’t so I was quiet.
He saw being physical in a relationship as something right at first. Something normal in a relationship, but later on maybe saw it as the flesh rising up.
I stopped him many times calmly and said I wanted to help him stop this but would not want to be involved. Well to no avail, and that was when I started getting irritated with him, not just that I was beginning to shift away from friends, I wanted to leave school. It wasn’t wonderful and we had quarrelled. Oh, God’s plan for my life never stopped putting me back on track. I ignored a lot of people that they began wondering what was wrong.
I was extremely DEPRESSED! Feeling wasted for even staying quiet about it. It reminded me of my past even though I wasn’t so close to it. I decided to end it as his promise of change even with scriptures seemed unreal and I was falling back seriously spiritually too as he really confused me with his assurance and at this point, I still also had my ex in mind like I said, he still remains special.
It finally ended, the relationship that caused my past to be knocking, the one which I hated so much.
Well, all I did was to hate that sin (Fornication and Homosexuality) with passion, that was what I did when I was younger, I hated it and now I did the same hated it and said “that sin cannot have dominion over me” You know what, I fled. FLEE fornication.
The Amplified version of 1st Corinthians 6:18 says: Shun immorality and sexual looseness [flee from impurity in thought, word or deed]. Any other sin which a man commits is one outside the body but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. It further says in 1st Corinthians 6:19-20 (I can’t take this for granted, so this should awaken the unaware): “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own, you were bought at a price. Therefore honour God with your body“.
The truth remains that God is faithful and HE can remove habits that have become strongholds but we need to RUN where the word says RUN.
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