God’s Got me … Really?

You know those times in your life when you are at the edge, when you want a good cry for no apparent reason. When you can’t articulate what is wrong with you and you feel like if you could just cry, you will feel better?

Maybe it’s just me sha. I have a lot of those times at different points in my life. They seem to come upon me for no discernible reason. I feel like that at the moment, only that this time. I may have a clue what is wrong.  

For people on the outside looking in, I should have no reason to be sad. I mean I have had a ‘perfect’ life. I moved from school to school. I never had a break in my education and I always excelled, I mean I just graduated from a master program with distinction. I love the Lord – only that right now it’s a little more difficult to talk to Him, I am in a great relationship – I still find myself afraid that something is going to happen to shatter my dream, cuz it feels too good to be true. That’s how great my life is going.

Right from when I have been a child, I have always wanted to go on to pursue a Ph.D. It seemed very logical and for a long time I believed it to be God’s will. Only now, I am not so sure. I had it all figured out, I didn’t anticipate the application process being so hard. I even told myself that if I got in this year, I might defer because I wanted time to explore. I was so convinced that my Ph.D. will be this year and that because I had all the qualifications, it would be o so easy. Boy, was I wrong!

At the moment, everything seems to be going crazy. I have been waiting for a reference letter from my school – in UK o, for about 2 months and they keep telling me one story or the other.

The places I have been applying to for job or school, most have not gotten back to me. The ones that have, rejected my offers. I never felt this rejected.

Nothing seems to be working. As if I have been put on hold. When I was leaving the UK, I wasn’t sad because I thought (and so did a lot of people) I would be coming right back in the not so distant future.  Only now, I am not so sure. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that God is saying no Ph.D. for me, what I am uncertain about is the timing.

However, in all of this, I can boldly declare that although I have been having a hard time reaching out to God, He’s never left me. He’d been reaching out to me, preparing me, sending people, books and all that I need my way for this season. Reminding me that if I put my trust in Him, I wouldn’t be put to shame. Letting me know that His plans for me are to prosper me and not to harm me. Urging me to walk with Him one day at a time, teaching me to trust Him all over again. He wants me to watch as He unfolds His magnificent plans for every aspect of my life – my marriage, academics, career.  

As I write this, I just got an email from future leaders connect, a British Council imitative which rejected my application. It hurts because I really want to see a changed Nigeria and I want to be a part of every initiative that can help take us closer. I believed that I communicated that clearly, apparently, they didn’t think so. The tears are threatening to spill now, but guess what? Even with the shuffle on in my music, God is ordering the songs so that they are about trusting Him, even when we can’t see what’s next. He currently made OCEAN play. If the pre-programmed songs can listen to His Voice my future has no choice.

My future is sorted, things seem crazy now, but everything is working for my good. Many times I find myself wondering when I will be able to buy and do as I like without money being an objective, many days, including today, the possibility seems far-fetched. It is closer than I think. No matter the wilderness I go through, He would give me manna, He will get me to the promised land.  

I am still broken, hurt, confused, sad, unable to pray, wanting my way, but in the midst of all these, I know God’s got me, although I don’t quite feel like that right now. I hope that one day I can look back and thank God for this process. Look back and whisper that it all makes sense now!

So pray for me that; no matter what happens – whether it fits my plans or not, that I will just let God work; while I walk through the waters, that they will not overwhelm me and that the fire will not consume me.

Thank you!

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