If you asked me this question some weeks back, I’d get furious. I mean, I believe domestic violence is wrong and I was totally blind to the causes. If you asked me this question, I’d quickly assume you are for domestic violence. I would have ranted and ranted so much. I just always took domestic violence personal. A lot of those discussions ended in heated arguments, mine being fueled by the pain I see on the faces of abused women. I now know better.
Recently, I have been forced to ask myself that question: Do some women really deserve to be beaten? At first I thought it is one thought thrown to me from the camp of the devil to excuse the acts of wicked men. But right now as I think of it, I don’t think it was. Even if it was sent from the devil’s camp, God has helped me learn a lot, I’d share a few on my thoughts with you.
More than ever, the rate at which I have been hearing stories of domestic violence is just alarming.
And guess what? ALL of the three cases I have recently been acquainted with are marriages between believers. I just had to bring myself to ask, what exactly is the problem? Where did we miss it as Christians?
Let me share a little about each of them.
Case number 1: Anytime, there is a fight, Husband 1 is quick to hit the wife (even though he is mostly wrong). Wife 1 in revenge and anger scatters the whole house, looking for what to break. Husband 1 learnt to be leaving the house once he starts to get angry to avoid beating his wife. Wife 1 devised a means to always stop him when he attempts to leave. She would hold on to trouser and he is forced to beat her. Dramatic huh?
Case number 2: Husband 2 is a busy businessman; wife 2 is a housewife, although she is an intellectual. I guess that’s because she is still nursing their less than a year old twins. She has recently become irritable and always picks a fight. Long story cut short before the fight would begin, wife would shout so much that four houses away you would hear her voice and very clearly. She would reel out abuses and insults at him, till he hits her in anger. Then, everyone goes, “Ha! Domestic violence!”
Case number 3: Husband 3 is very controlling. He never allows his wife go out or work. He claims he can never help her do her ‘work’ (handle their two little boys). Whenever she tries to go out without carrying the kids, he makes a fuss. In short, almost everything she does (wrong or not) seems to irritate him. He would shout and insult her so much. The woman strangely never says a word in her defence. He has never beaten her. Every time his shouting attracts his neighbours; all of them come pointing fingers at him. Everyone is praising his wife even when she is seemingly wrong.
Now, here are my observations:
If you are being mistreated by your husband or you are facing domestic violence, I have come to realise that you can to an extent determine how things go.
Let us look at our case studies. Case 3 was obviously not treated fairly. Her case wasn’t even as bad as the madam in Case 2, still their actions and inactions determine the reaction they got assuming they were ‘normal’ men. The same way you feel bad when you sense your husband doesn’t love you, is about the same way your husband feel when they are disrespected, especially those that know how to quote “wives, submit to your husbands…”.
If I don’t remember anything in Physics (of which, I truly don’t remember a lot), I remember the whole action and reaction thing. The truth is this: For every reaction, an action has gone done.
Imagine me growing and bouncing in the Lord, I don’t know what I’d do if someone slaps my mom right in front of me and without reason! Would I say, “Mommy sorry but just seat here. Let me try and talk to this man and even see if I can get him saved…” I highly doubt that I would. I may have reacted already before even thinking of the man’s salvation.
Some wives are just so loud and rude. They have no power to fight o, but they would be the ones saying, “You must beat me today o” and holding the man’s trousers. I recall back in my primary school days and early years of high school. I used to be a fighter (thank God for the gift of salvation and for my father’s cane). Despite my power and reputation then, I was one who made sure that you would have found my trouble very well and I would have given you space (however small) to turn from your wicked ways. Then, if after beating you, I get carried to the HM’s office, I can say with pride, “Sir, I was on my own reading my book (I always add that part to gain extra sympathy and reduce the punishment) when xyz came to disturb me. Then, no one would blame me… except for my dad who insisted fighting isn’t always the best option (Thank God for him!) Truly there are other ways to handle situations.
Now, I am saying all of that to say this: what you do when you are been treated wrong goes a long way.
Now, no one asks what wife 2 has done, they all face the husband. Because she doesn’t go all the way shouting or jumping or spinning round the sitting room.
You are a believer! You should take it upon yourself to lead an exemplary life even in your home. Even if your husband is an unbeliever or is one who treats you without care, show love and maintain your cool. Your calmness amidst the whole thing can win him over to God and help him love you better. Plus he gets to respect you for always keeping your cool. (1 Pet 3:1)
Let me tell this story as I round up. A Christian woman once caught her husband with another woman in their matrimonial bed. She just dropped her bag, changed into more comfortable slippers and left the house. She spent like four hours and by the time she returned, she found her husband sitting like a lamb outside. His face was like that of a prodigal son. She smiled and greeted him, she didn’t stop there. She also offered him roasted corn which she knew they both loved so much. Uncle couldn’t eat it o, so he declined. He was so shocked. No, he was even scared, she might have poisoned it. She just smiled, collected it back and ate it in his very face. The woman went about her chores for the evening, and even pounded yam for his dinner. The man is a super lover of pounded yam. His mouth was watering the whole time but the fear and guilt combo didn’t allow him eat the food in peace. He ate very little and no, she didn’t poison him. She didn’t say one word about the incident.
She acted very normal and when it was bedtime, she said ‘goodnight’ with a kiss on his cheek like she always did. Thirty minutes later, the man was walking into the bedroom with tears in his eyes. He had never been this sorry about anything. He opened the door to their bedroom and was greeted by his wife’s snores. He cried some more and finally woke her up about 3am. He couldn’t sleep. He cried and said he was sorry about all he did. He was amazed at her peace and calmness in the middle of all that had happened. The wife cried with him, and they had a talk about it. Auntie vented all her anger but was still calm as she did all of this. It ended well and till today that man has never cheated on his wife.
Now, that sounds very sweet, but here is what went down behind the scene. When she left that house, she drove around for a while. All the while, crying to God about how angry she was. She cried for so long and allowed herself to be comforted by the Holy Spirit. She prayed as the tears rolled out and asked God to fight for her, give her peace and work on her husband. She understood that some peoples’ cane is not in your hands! A lot of times in life, there is little you can do about the other person. However, you can work on how your reaction.
Haven’t you seen that your flipping round the house and fighting isn’t yielding any good? Why don’t you turn to the Holy Spirit? I have never ever met an awesome counselor like him in all my life! Do things God’s way. Stop fighting him. That won’t change him.
Like a quote from war room, Ask God to help you and step out of His way, allow Him do what only Him can do.
Like a quote from war room, Ask God to help you and step out of His way, allow Him do what only Him can do. Click To Tweet
I would be unfair to deny the fact that even though some people have done all these, they still face abuse and violence at home. There are some people who maybe because of their backgrounds or a psychological defect see women as nothing but sex toys or children making machine. Still, I believe that irrespective of the psychological defect that ails a man, since he can’t front of a barracks and punch a soldier in the face, he can to an extent control himself! I mean, you don’t go about punch everyone who annoys you. When someone runs into your car, you don’t come down and straight away punch the person’s face. You also don’t get angry and beat the policemen on the road, lastma or the area boys on your street when they try to extort money from you and waste your time. Why is your wife different?
Seriously guys, I know that some women can provoke you to anger but you need to look at it this way. Remember, one that day, you were called ONE (I mean the both of you). Have you ever seen anyone beating himself? Even if he makes a grave mistake that causes so much damage?
As a man who is a believer, don’t beat your wife, even if she is asking for it. Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit. You CAN do all things through Christ Jesus. You have the ability to walk away from anger. Don’t fuel your anger. If someone else is fueling it for you, walk away. The anger of men can never produce the righteousness of God.
Bring your mind and flesh in subjection to your Spirit man. Some things shouldn’t be heard among believers. If you think the burden is too much as a husband or wife, rather than fight, seek counsel.
Report to trusted authority who maybe your pastor or family members (this should be done with great discretion and sensitivity). This is why I feel for people who marry a man or woman who has no one over him. I mean, someone who can talk and they would listen. Such a person is one without counsel and is very dangerous.
Get counsel. In the multitude of counsel, there is safety! (Prov 11:14), especially if it is life-threatening. Understand the life you live isn’t even yours in the first place.
Whatever you do, please don’t die or kill someone else. Choose ye this day life.
Remember, there are so many other healthier ways to resolve disputes.
Is this post condoning the act of domestic violence? Do Some Women Deserve to be Beaten? Here is an opinion from an expert. Let’s call her Mrs Yemi;
I mean why? How? Can you reason with the notion that it is ok for one human to beat…….. But you can NEVER EVER speak on this matter by logic or human reasoning. Jesus died for a lot of things and not torture. In sociology this is called …. victim blaming
In sociology there is somrthing is called victim blaming. Victim blaming where the perpetrator is being licensed to continue in his act. It’s like Rape. You blame the victim when you say… well she shouldn’t have led him on. Or she shouldn’t have worn that dress or she shouldn’t have been there at that time.Your scenarios were also painfully flawed. Maybe this hits close to home and I know first hand how these toxic relationships is damagingI know first hand how these toxic relationships is damaging
I know first hand how these toxic relationships is damaging…But to look at this issue and devised a rationale that ahh it has to be a devised act for a woman to be beaten by a man.Ok let’s take case number 2
Ok let’s take case number 2; Housewife VS businessman.It is obvious that this man is a selfish bigot because as you said the lady is an intellectual
It is obvious that this man is a selfish bigot because as you said the lady is an intellectual. She is not geared to being confined in a place, In a room. If her hubby knows this, he could arrange to fund some money towards the care of the kids until the lady can build up enough money to maybe even fund the care of the child. He should be as concerned about her growth as he does his, there is no way you put a child in a room, bored, and he would not be destructive. She shows her frustrations as you have pointed out, but not to hit the guy.Now a reasonable caring and kind man would sit down and analyse the situation of
Now a reasonable caring and kind man would sit down and analyse the situation of his home. Alas he is the captain of the ship isn’t it. He is Responsible for the running of the home. He would devise a plan and set it forth and everyone is happy, after all this was what Adam did. Managed the garden. It seems the guy is all about him and not about her.I tell you this for free
Any relationship which is one sided is not one that Is built for the long haul. I hope u see the damage here already?He now doesn’t take closely to this and now has the effrontery to raise his hands on the woman
He now doesn’t take closely to this and now has the effrontery to raise his hands on the woman because he cannot solve the problem of his woman’s foreign attitude. I have a child and I have devised a new plan to reduce me smacking him
I have a child and I have devised a new plan to reduce me smacking him. Why? Because not only is that demeaning him as a person. He is mimicking this attitude and hitting his peers when they don’t want to share their own toys with him. Please where did he learn that from?Such attitudes are forbidden. They are never acceptable. Unless in the case of self defence
Such attitudes are forbidden. They are never acceptable, unless in the case of self defence. Never ever should anyone raise their filthy hands in the motive to strick another fellow. It is dis-speakable , barbaric. And wherever you spare the act you create a culture.
People lose lives and worse of it all… some are alive and are walking dead. Some women don’t even know who they have become. They do things out of character because someone chooses to violate their boundaries as a human.
Feel free to leave your comments. I am still studying on this subject matter. What do you think about domestic violence? Do some women deserve to be beaten? Let’s talk in the comment boxes. Peace! ?