Before I say anything, I want to apologise for going AWOL. Been really busy and depressed (don’t know how those two can go hand in hand) but I thank God I’m fighting it.
First of all, this post is not about tales of my love life and me wallowing in self pity. This post is more about realisation and appreciation. I’ll explain.
When I was in secondary school, a friend of mine and I were looking through a magazine together and then we came across a picture. The picture was the shape of love in many pieces; for lack of better words, a broken heart. Literally. Like this love shape was in pieces. Imagine a ceramic plate that is in pieces and cannot be broken further. That was how this picture of love was. And then she said, “This is how I want my heart to be”. Perplexed, I asked why and she said “If my heart is like this, nobody can break it further”. But one thing she failed to realise is that for the heart to get to that point where it no one can ‘break it’ further, she has to go through pain. A lot of pain.
Well, my heart is at that point and trust me, the journey was at funny at all. And the thing is, I don’t blame anyone. I’ve always been a hopeless romantic from a very young age, in love with the idea of ‘love’, always day dreaming of how my love life will be. And so, I let my guard down from the beginning. But as time went on and the heart was gradually getting ‘broken’, I wisened up. Yet, I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t be heartbroken further.
I’ve searched myself and questioned myself on where I went wrong or what I said or did wrong. People, including my exes describe me as great and caring and nice and strong. But still I find myself single. Whenever I see people in love, I’m always in awe and I wonder why I can’t have the lasting love that I so crave for.
But I’ve come to a conclusion that maybe I expect too much. Maybe I’ll never be loved as much as I want to. Maybe love is over rated. Maybe the couples I see that are in love is just my brain playing tricks on me. I’m grateful for the broken heart though. At least it’s a sign that I’ve loved. And no one can hurt me. Even though it seems like there’s no hope, I’m still hanging on, praying for the best. 😉
Coming up – Unsettled Adnan: Valuing your Partner
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