Unhappy couple standing back to backThis topic has surfaced more than anyone in the last one month while relating with different people.

To what extent is your intending partner permitted to be sexually naive for you to have an explosive and satiated sexual life in marriage? What degree of sexual naivety is acceptable/forgivable?

I hear most ladies want to marry guys that have more sexual experience than they do. Sorry to the Christian ‘virgin’ brothers (this sort of explains the good girl-bad boy theory). While brothers want to marry virgins, or ex-bad girls (I personally wonder how this cycle is ever supposed to work).

What does it take to have an orgasmic sexual life in bed? Does it come with extreme skills in styles, a wealth of experience and practical know-how prior to marriage? And ultimately, does being sexually naive really jeopardize the sexual savour in a marriage?

Before I say what I think, let us examine the following objectively.

1. WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO KNOW HOW TO HAVE SEX?

Does it take rocket science to know how to have sex, where to put what? I had my first sexual experience even before I saw a pornographic video or even knew the word sex talk-less of what it meant.

I bet it came very natural (or maybe not) to the first couple; Adam and Eve as well, at least they had no novel, no porn, no counselling and they were able to figure it out pretty well.

I bet someone is saying, sex is for more than procreation, it is important to get to the ninth clouds, it is important for your partner to know how to hit the G-spot and the A-spot.

I see some people wondering what those are. If that is you, you are sexually naive and there is no hope for you…lol…just messing with you.

2. HOW KNOWLEDGE INFORMS/DEFORMS SEXUAL ORIENTATION

It is very very very important to state the influence of knowledge or experience on our sexual life. As good as having experience is, it can also be the major downfall of a marriages’ sexual life.

If rape (which is a somewhat sexual experience) can deform sexual expectations and orientation, so also will any “good” sexual experience prior to marriage be.

There are different qualities of knowledge; good knowledge and bad knowledge, which uniquely moulds interests.

The interest of someone who was informed about sex primarily from the computer screen, watching people have sex cannot be realistic, i.e attainable under normal circumstances(I hope I’m not being presumptuous…what they do on-screen, is it attainable in reality?). If you know what goes into porn movie production, you will agree with me; experienced casts, a sex movie director, a trained cameraman to capture the right angles, come on, except your partner is a porn star and you both have a sex-movie director, you can’t probably replicate such in your marriage

Some expect their partners to squirt like the ‘squirt queen’ of the porn industry or ladies that expect their man to have lasting power like the ones they read about in their favourite romance novels, our physiological makeup is different, that a guy can’t last 45 mins or a lady orgasms quickly or doesn’t orgasm at all does not make/mean anything is wrong with them. I’m not ignorant of the fact that there are medically related sexual conditions which could be a major drawback.

But in all, we have to be careful of what we expose ourselves to in the name of seeking sexual knowledge or experience. I know many who became addicted to pornography just because they wanted to meet/satisfy the demands of their partner’s sexual expectation.

3. SEX IS NOT A MEDAL/TROPHY

The moment you take sex as a trophy, a medal that you have a right to earn, something that must be given to you by your partner, you are setting yourself up for sexual frustration.

Sex in marriage is meant to be consensual, God designed marriage as a partnership deal, where each partner is supposed to be on a mission to outdo each other in showing love and kindness.

Love is meant to be given not received.

You don’t go into marriage because you’ve found someone you can receive love from, but someone you can give love to, that’s why we say “I’ve found someone I love”, not I’ve found someone who loves me.

Ony way you will find fault with this if you look at it from one side, but if both parties go into marriage with the intention of loving their partner, no one will lose/miss out. You both love each other, but when you’re both expecting to be loved by the other person, something is wrong.

The same goes for sex, after all, it’s also called, love-making NOT love-receiving.

 

So what level of knowledge is required to have a wholesome sexual experience in marriage?

You decide between these options.

  1. Someone naive, but willing to learn, concerned with satisfying you, condone your errors and excesses, not judgmental, receives correction and has healthy expectations.
  2.  Someone experienced, has preconceived standards and expectations of what great sex should be based on a previous partner(s) and sexual experience(s).

I still believe being both sexually naive is the best, at least every sexual expert was once a novice.

I strongly believe abstinence from pre-marital sex is not just a Bible concept of God wielding his authority over man, dropping a bunch of rules to make their lives inconvenient, asides the fact that our body is God’s temple and it is dishonouring to join ‘His temple’ with someone else’s that isn’t our partner, I believe it’s also a guide to help ensure a healthy sexual experience in marriage.

If we are going to be sincere with ourselves, someone naive will never be good enough for someone experienced. Someone naive will never be good enough for someone with unhealthy or ungodly sexual appetite. So in order words, we put our marital sexual life at risk with every extra sexual experience prior to marriage.

Marriage is till death do you part, that’s so many years to learn what works best for both of you, every sexual encounter between you can be a training session, where you learn about each other’s body, what works and what doesn’t, if you thrust too hard or engaged in a position that led to a sprained joint, you’ve both learnt how to have a better experience the next time.

Don’t ever be intimidated by being naive about sex. Marriage is the only certified school to both learn how to drive, test-drive, and explore the endless possibility of sex.

 

My word to the sexually experienced

It is very important that you align/subject/reform your ideas and expectation about sex with what God desires.

Remember, don’t be conformed to the world’s way of doing things, but be transformed by renewing your mind, then you will be able to judge what God’s good, acceptable and perfect will is.

Don’t celebrate your experience and desires above God’s designs and interest. If you can do that, you’re good, after all, God gives us as many chances as possible to get things right.

As per detrimental sexual condition, that’s a post for another day.

I sought some opinions on this topic and here are two of them;

Mrs Ajibola Ijeoma: I counselled a lady once who was very ‘experienced’ sexually but married a novice, she’s born again now but finds herself comparing her hubby with previous boyfriends. She doesn’t like comparing but she can’t help it. In her words, she said, “I wish I waited so that my hubby and I could learn together“.
‎It is out of ignorance that ‘good girls’ desire to marry experienced guys.  I know I desired that too and I got it. But then it adds nothing to the marriage bed cos what we call ‘experience’ is not what it is. Pre-marital sex is never the best form of sex cos it’s done under all the wrong circumstances (secrecy, haste, etc). (@IjeomaAjibola)
Miss Oyin: Sex was created by God for a couple within marriage. All the spontaneity that comes with it…. Is it to the glory of God? Like some of my friends say they will give blowjobs to their boyfriends but not to their husbands ( honestly the blowjobs makes me wonder… What’s all this?) At the end of the day, people use sex to satisfy themselves not their partners especially outside marriage you get? Most people who have sex outside marriage are selfish, they seek to satisfy themselves at the expense of their partners.
I know someone who told me of her ordeal with a male friend who she constantly made out with until recently when she decided to stop cos God convicted her. She says she’s a virgin, but she had done every other thing kissing, touching, blowjobs, showered with the guy and all manner of sexual orgies. But she had never tried anal sex. So she said that when she and the guy were making out, he told her to turn around and he wanted to put in his male organ in her anus part (sorry I sound so graphic). She found it painful but he didn’t want to stop until she screamed and faked tears. He called it sweet pain, but when she explained to me, I told her that if she went back to that guy’s house again and teased him sexually again, he would most likely rape her and be unrepentant about it. So…. That’s my take sha… Whatever we do should be to God’s glory…. I dunno sef lol.
Peoples opinion of sex is not balanced, God helps us o. I want to get married with a healthy view of sex. Seek to please my husband, and I pray he has a healthy view of it too to seek to please Me and together we seek to please God. It’s supposed to be a union, not a battle of “who’s your daddy?
Leave your contribution/question as a comment below;

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Don’t forget to mention this post and this blog to a friend. 

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Read als0;

IT’S EITHER IN THE NAME OF LOVE OR FUN

SEXUAL COMPATIBILITY

SEX IN MARRIAGE; IS THERE ANY LIMITS?

A SEXUAL EXPERIENCE AT AGE 4/5

A TRUE STORY OF MULTIPLE SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS, HEARTBREAK, ABUSE

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