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LIFESTYLE,

Attempted Suicide and Journey Out Of Depression #MyDamagedStory

My name is Poki (for the sake of anonymity), I’m a medical doctor with a special interest in children, a certified church children teacher, I love to read, write, I have a blog which I haven’t posted in for more than 4 months.

I did my compulsory national youth service at a private hospital in one of the north central states. There wasn’t much to do at my PPA (Place of Primary Assignment)… so I attended lots of medical outreach and church activities too.

Towards the end of my NYSC (National Youth Service Corp). I decided to write primaries (an exam you write if you want to train to become a specialist in the medical profession), I chose paediatrics. I passed the exam at first sitting. I was happy but I didn’t put my mind in using it to work (I had other plans). When I passed I made a call to my guardian who is a paediatrician too, he told me that they had already interviewed people but I shouldn’t worry as he was going to call me if there is space in his workplace.

When I finished NYSC, I started working at a private hospital on a Friday afternoon at work. I got the call to come and start my residency with so much excitement I resumed the following Monday. Special care baby unit (where children between day 1 of life and 28days old are managed in the hospital) was the first ward I worked in. I began to take care of myself less because the ward was so busy there was hardly any time to rest or eat properly plus I began to push myself too hard.

Fast forward to January 2019, I began to feel sick and was given 3 days off duty. When I got back to work, I felt worse at this point I could not eat, numerous weeping spells and looking emaciated. All I could think of was quitting, I had lost interest in the work and life generally. I presented constitutional (non-specific) symptoms at the hospital A and E but nobody thought I was depressed. I was discharged although I did not feel better.

The second day following discharge, I had a weeping spell, wrote a suicide note, and I overdosed on a strong drug. I then closed my eyes to rest in peace. Yes, I almost took my life but…God was just smiling in heaven, saying, ‘Poki, I am not done with you yet’. I didn’t die, his grace kept me, some of my friends suspected by reason of the message I sent to them and they informed others close to me, who also came to visit.

I was given a week to go home, rest and take antidepressants, I also saw a psychiatrist (also was my teacher while I was in med school). When the week was over I felt a little better and I resumed work. The same day I resumed, I was on call…I broke down, I was hysterical, ready to give up and resign.

I was given another 2 weeks off work, I rested, prayed, worshipped (all of these I couldn’t do since the onset of illness) soon I got much better and I resumed back to work..it wasn’t easy..but I got better daily.

I read psalms especially 6, 51, 54 and also positive confessions. One of my big Sis introduced me to the IG page of Jolynne Whittaker, her prophecies that period was specific for me. My appetite improved, cognitively I improved, work became more bearable, I started looking up to God for daily strength.  

Currently, people around me are like they ’girl you are getting fat’ and my reply in Jonathan McReynold’s voice ‘if you’ve been through what I’ve been through, you’ll know exactly what God can do’. Lol.

If you've been through what I've been through, you'll know exactly what God can do Click To Tweet

I am currently in my 4th month of antidepressants therapy, 20th May was exactly 4 months in which I could have died from suicide.

I am currently single, happy and I love my job, I keep learning every day

Looking back now I can boldly say God’s got me covered.

In conclusion, suicide is selfishness. I was not even thinking about the pain I would cause those who loved me. Don’t take your life because you feel like a disappointment.

I felt weak, having fallen sick twice in a job I was less than 3months into, I felt people will think am lazy, incapable, etc hold on to Jesus because he promised to see you through.

Don't take your life because you feel like a disappointment. Click To Tweet

Also, God daily loads us with benefits…good health, finance, etc.

Then talk to someone, it seems hard right, but trust me it helped a great deal. Knowing I had my family, friends support made me move forward.

Then talk to someone, it seems hard right, but trust me it helped a great deal. Knowing I had my family, friends support made me move forward. Click To Tweet

Hannah was depressed, she couldn’t give her husband a son after years of marriage, and her partner had children and will not stop taunting her, she prayed and God answered her, she arose and went home.

My dear, you need to rise from where you are. You are a fighter, remember even if no one seems to love you, Jesus Christ does and will never leave you.

My dear, you need to rise from where you are. You are a fighter, remember even if no one seems to love you, Jesus Christ does and will never leave you. Click To Tweet

I am grateful to lifegiva for this privilege.

God bless y’all

Here Are Few LESSONS To Learn 

  1. Exhaustion is not a synonym for weakness or incapability. When you feel like you have gotten to the end of your strength you don’t need to prove yourself by forcing yourself- Take A Break
  2. Suicide is selfishness, regardless of how worthless you may think you are, people love you. Plus you are valuable to the earth. Suicide is not the perfect answer to your present misery
  3. Talk to someone if you can’t process how you feel. I know that being vulnerable is hard but when you do not share your problem you will not find help. Knowing you have  family, friends support will help you move forward
  4. God cares for you but you can only know when you let Him love you; worship, your bible study, etc are very important both in Good times and Bad times   
  5. Guard your heart- what we hear and see enters our hearts if you must be hearing or seeing anything then it must be edifying, find Social media accounts that speak the right words to you.
  6. Just like your physical body needs some time to heal especially after a breakdown your mind needs time to heal as well, so even when it feels like you are not seeing fast result keep at it
Exhaustion is not a synonym for weakness or incapability. When you feel like you have gotten to the end of your strength you don't need to prove yourself by forcing yourself- Take A Break Click To Tweet

 

Read other True Stories under the Damaged Series here; https://lifegiva.com/tag/damaged/

We all have a story, most of which we are not proud of, but all from which we must have learned a thing or two. Share your story here. Contact me on any of the addresses below. I will be waiting to hear from you.

To share your own story, send me a mail here; mystory@lifegiva.com

black woman smiling
LOVE,

The Love I Couldn’t Find in Boys Nor Girls #MyDamagedStory

I think the theme for my life from 3-15 years should be “In pursuit of love”, but how could I have pursued what I didn’t know? I didn’t know what it was, but I knew I wanted something long-lasting. I wanted something that was higher than me, something satisfying, I just wanted to feel special.

At different points in my search, I thought love was different things. I selfishly sought for it in humans too, (Imagine! what I couldn’t give, I desired).

...what I couldn’t give, I desired Click To Tweet

At some point, I started to consider girls as my tool. My ideal guy was not forthcoming, you have to wait for him to approach you, right? Then sex scenes from movies help arouse lustful desires in my heart.

However, I couldn’t really act on the lust- at least not yet- because I saw the way “homosexuals” were treated. They were literally ostracized! Let us not forget that many secondary school students were mean, unforgiving bullies, plus I did not want to lose the validation friendship gave me.

I needed someone who wasn’t my mate, who could easily be manipulated, and who wouldn’t tell. I thought it would take some time, but it didn’t. After a while, I found someone, and we practised sexual acts together. I wasn’t really remorseful or guilty; I enjoyed it.

It wasn’t satisfying like the love I sought, but I continued anyway until I found someone- a guy- whom I thought was the Love I had been searching for. I began practising sexual acts (not sex) with the guy. I liked it, but it wasn’t like I enjoyed it so much. I just loved the exclusive and undivided attention I got. I was still very much attracted to girls though, but I was more scared to keep acting on it because I didn’t want to lose the “love” that I had found.

Fast forward to when I was about to get born again, a lady, Lola (which I am using for the sake of this article) would come to talk to me about Jesus. Her emphasis on God’s love for me cause a growing curiosity about God, It was surprising and new to me, (not like I hated Him, I was just indifferent). 

I realized that the audible voice that spoke the words “I love you”, which I heard a number of times when I was younger, was God’s. I thought it was my sixth sense! (You had better hold your laughter). I never imagined that God would speak to me. Like why?! Funny how the voice came anytime I considered the possibility of God being interested in me.

I realized that the audible voice that spoke the words “I love you”...was God's Click To Tweet

Anyway, I started opening up, I allowed Lola to teach me the gospel. Everything seemed fine until Lola said, “I love you Anthonia”. Ha! Ye! Jesus!  Hmmm! O ga o! Nawa!  My God! You zay?! 

That is how shocked I was, like how can she love me?  I thought she was born again?! This was me trying to respond to the love of God, which seemed too good to be true. I wasn’t going to let some “Lola Love” distract me (trust me, if you searched for something for years, you would fight to keep it).

I avoided her throughout the next semester. However, I met other ladies in her group who seemed to “love” me. Like, they literally fought for me, and I noticed their love was different. It wasn’t complicated, it was always there, kind, beautiful and pure.  ‘Pure’, literally sent shivers down my spine,  I wasn’t very familiar with it, (even pure water wasn’t exactly pure). Also, I felt like I didn’t measure up plus I was scared too.

Responding to and accepting that love took a lot of boldness and courage!

I grew to understand the kind of love Lola was talking about; it is PURE.

I grew to understand the kind of love Lola was talking about; it is PURE. Click To Tweet

Here are some lessons I have learnt in my post new birth:

– RENEW YOUR MIND.

You are not your feelings. (Trust me on this one).  It is actually true. Some people in their anger, have felt like killing someone. It doesn’t mean you should encourage them to do it, because they “feel” like doing it. You can be tempted also, but you have to decide not to obey your temptation.

Remember, whatever you give attention to, you build affection for. One way to resist the devil is to submit to the word of God, and not yourself. Remind yourself of who you are in him.

Whatever you give attention to, you build affection for. Click To Tweet

– YOU ARE FREE TO LOVE; LOVE IS PURE AND HOLY

Because of my experience, I also thought I probably couldn’t have pure, authentic female friendships. I was scared that I would see them as lustful objects instead of people who are cherished by God. I thought I didn’t have the ability to love God’s way. It was even worse because I am very expressive and touchy. I like to say those nice words because that’s the way I am. So, the things that helped me in this area were:

  • Seeing people the way God sees them.
  • Reminding yourself that you can love as God does.
  • Working on yourself by learning about God’s love.
  • Loving without reservations. You might be tempted to hold back love because you don’t want to be misunderstood. Sounds noble, but also understand that it is your responsibility to show people God’s love.
  • It is okay to be expressive and touchy. 
  • There is no fear in love. Be bold! Boldly accept God’s love, love fiercely. Don’t listen to the voice that calls you a hypocrite for desiring to love God’s way, the voice that wants to always remind you of your past, the voice that tries to cripple your confidence.
You might be tempted to hold back love because you don’t want to be misunderstood. Sounds noble, but also understand that it is your responsibility to show people God's love. Click To Tweet

– SOCIETAL GENDER STEREOTYPES.

I think this issue is so prevalent in African society. There is an accepted form of “manliness” like high interest in sports, must not be so sensitive, should be a little bit aggressive, must BE MOVED BY WHAT HE SEES. There are accepted forms of femininity, like higher interest in physical appearance, interest in domestic things, not so much interests in sports, must BE MOVED BY WHAT SHE HEARS.

I mean, there is a difference between observing the way people of a particular sex act over time and saying this is how they should be as a result of those observations. Human beings are more complex than that.

The people who don’t fall into such categories, start to feel like there is something wrong with them. They feel confused and misplaced. I saw this happen first hand with a friend in Secondary School. I will call him Thomas.

Thomas was the only boy of four children, he lost his dad while in Junior Secondary School, so he was the only boy at home. He didn’t have the extra physical “prowess” guys seemed to have, but his sharp tongue was his weapon. He enjoyed talking and gisting, he had more female friends (I was one of them), so he was almost always with girls.

Was he to be blamed for this?

No! I don’t think so.

He grew up around girls, was probably given more attention because he was the only boy, was nursed by his mum and two elder sisters. He had sisters as play and gist mates, was most probably a very sensitive child, of course, he wasn’t to be blamed!

I watched as people addressed him as gay, because of these things I just mentioned. At some point, he started seeing himself as a homosexual, then started acting like one.

So, I think we can help in this regard, by being more intentional when we relate and speak to people.

That is the end of my story. I searched for love, but Love found me.

I searched for love, but Love found me Click To Tweet

With LOVE,

Anthonia.

The purpose of these stories isn’t to entertain you, but to let someone out there know that they are not alone. Every story under #MyDamagedStory series is exactly as told by the person. Read the other here – https://lifegiva.com/tag/damaged/

Would you like to share your own story? Do you have a question or need help? Send a mail to asklifegiva@lifegiva.com. Your identity will be kept private.

LIFESTYLE,

The Sexual Experience At Age 4 – #MyDamagedStory

It wouldn’t have happened if my parents took a closer watch on me, I’m definitely not putting the blame on them, but they have their part to play. I must say, till date they don’t know any of what I am about to share.

Our house back then was a flat among many others in a big compound. The way the houses are built, there is unrestricted access between these flats.

I left my house that fateful afternoon to visit our neighbour. Not knowing exactly that what I will be meeting will change the course of my life. Their parents were not at home neither were their other siblings, but I met the brother pants off on his sister. Yes, siblings, though they were very young back then, and so was I. I should be between my 4th or 5th birthday. He invited me over to join and told me what to do, where to put what and the other details one of which is how I will feel as if I want to urinate and bla bla bla…

So it happened there and one other time. That was the end, but that was the very beginning, I was damaged.

That single act that happened only twice, left a mighty ripple effect in my life, it ruined me. Although I wasn’t privileged to have access to having sex, but a passion was unleashed in me far too prematurely. Believe me, I didn’t even know what I did. I had never even heard the word sex before talk-less of knowing what it means. I enjoyed it though, but it’s effect lingered for a very long time.

My sexual urge has been awoken from that tender age, but because there was very little I could do physical wise apart from fondling dolls and myself (and yes I did a lot of those). I guess you can call that masturbation. I practically get aroused at the littlest close contact with any human being in a skirt (female gender I mean). The battle was in my mind. It was raging and it was strong and all this while till my JSS 3 no one knew about all these but myself. But we serve such a loving God that even in that depraved state of yours He still places a restriction on what you can do or how far from remedy you go. He kept me from going too far, just like He kept Abimelech from sleeping with Sarah Abraham’s wife. (Gen 20:2-6).

But I was damaged.

My healing process started right after I gave my heart to Jesus (this is always the first step). I started getting tired of the constant image in my head, the dreams and the sexual urges. Not knowing what to do, but I wanted this to end very desperately. So I approached a “notable spiritual figure in my secondary school”.  Opened up to him, told him the full story. I thought I was going to need deliverance or an hour-long session of prayers and fasting, but the solution was too easy.

My healing process started right after I gave my heart to Jesus. I started getting tired of the constant image in my head, the dreams and the sexual urges. Not knowing what to do, but I wanted this to end very desperately. Click To Tweet

All he asked me to do was to give myself to an ardent reading/studying of my bible. He encouraged me to focus on cultivating a personal walk with God, building a strong intimacy with Him, and see how that stronghold will break off itself, and just as he advised me, I didn’t know when everything stopped, it was as if reading the bible and praying consistently replaced all the available space the urges and the addiction occupied. It was like two sides of a balance, as one increased the other reduced and vice versa.

I am in my twenties now and I am still delivered, at least as long as I stay connected to God in worship, personal devotion and group fellowship. And I bet you can be healed too, in the same way as I was. Thank you, Tolu for this medium to share my story. I hope it helps someone.

 

To read Other DAMAGED Stories  CLICK HERE

You can share your own story as well, just send it to my email box (hello@lifegiva.com ). We promise to keep your identity anonymous.

Please share on your Facebook, Twitter and other platforms. Someone might be forever grateful to you that you did.

Thank you for reading, feel free to leave a comment.

LIFESTYLE,

Broken but Restored by Love #Damaged

I was born into an Igbo family of five; first child and daughter out of two. My dad fell ill for what felt like eternity- 12  years. It was the worst growth phase a child could have. He was away from home almost every time and my mum had to become my dad and my dad’s family didn’t make it any better. My mum got very busy and I had to grow up faster than I should have. I was a child that had to take care of two other children. It was hell, if not worse.

I was growing too fast; not the way teachers told parents with a smile that made you understand you were positively different. It was fast growth that was burdening. I was exposed to hate that flourished in my dad’s family and only got a fraction of love that should have been apportioned to me. I grew mature, older, motherly but empty: my feelings were without any depth. I became withdrawn. Thankfully, I didn’t lose my dad because I had him around but I felt I lost him. When he started getting better,  I was already used to him not being there- so while I was thankful, I was still empty. I didn’t have many friends, I pushed people away. I felt I could survive, I had already learnt to live without my daddy, what else could be worse?

Maybe God was driving me to the light that was at the end of this tunnel or maybe it was luck. The same way people ask if our life is pre-planned by some almighty director and producer or just solely a turnout of events caused by decisions we take or decide not to take. Whatever it was, it did save me.

My church organised a weekend retreat far away from home and for some reason I was around that same weekend and I only went because my siblings were going. I was already a second mummy and I loved my ‘children’.lol. This retreat was life changing. I found Jesus, not in that voice born-agains use. No, I had found love. I never felt this happy, filled and satisfied. I craved for moments with Him. I had found Love and He taught me to love and open up myself. It felt too easy and beautiful too and I savored every moment of it.

As I began to adjust into circle of friends, I found it hard again. I felt they were all better and I would always be a shadow. I wanted more and because I couldn’t find myself, I became withdrawn again. History was repeating itself. I compared myself with everybody around me and I didn’t think I was any good. I was an adolescent now, I didn’t have that body, that long hair, that beautiful flawless skin. My mum said I had beautiful dentition and legs but that wasn’t enough. I wanted more and more. The more I wanted, the less I became. I became ill, worse than that cancerous woman on the bed or that man with stroke on a wheel chair. I was depressed, angry and empty again.

The beautiful thing is that He never let me go even when I pushed Him out. He loved me and loved every part of me. He thought my eyesight was the best ever and my body was a sign of His perfection and slowly I went back to my first love and there He was,  waiting for me like He always does. He told me I was beautiful and perfect. I had Him and it meant I had everything. I was healed and thankful.

Okolie Chideraa

LOVE,

Pseudo-Love, a Baby and a Broken Heart – Damaged 9

I am the only girl in my family. I grew up with four brothers, a mother who cared only when she felt it wise to,  and a father who had no time for his children. My family started through an “i don get belle” situation. I felt unloved and neglected so many times and it led me to look for love elsewhere.

I started dating at the tender age of 10. My first relationship was a double one: one boyfriend at home and one in school and they both dumped me at the same time.

By the time I entered my next relationship, I was 14.  I enjoyed this relationship for the first three months because there was no sexual immorality then until it started, with pornography, masturbation, oral sex and the likes. We even went to a hotel and his friend’ s house on two separate occasions to try to dis-virgin me but all our efforts were to no avail. And then, the very very painful break up came. It led to tears upon tears, staying indoors for fear of meeting he and his new girlfriend and so many other devices just to escape the shame.

I was single for two straight years and those were the best years of my life hands-down. I would be prompt in church, be in the service unit meeting, go for evangelism, read my bible so much that it scared me, use my devotionals every day, and so much more godly activities. It was also in this period of my life God helped overcome a financial constraint in my life.

Then, I  met a guy. He was ten years older than me, and after a while, we started dating. It was fun at first. I was in school, he worked. He was generous with his money, time, and all he had, a devoted son of God. When I got back home,  I tricked my family into letting him pick me up from the bus park at 12 pm and that was how my troubles began. He kept gushing about how beautiful I looked. At one point, he slowed down the car to kiss me and never let go of my hand all through the ride. I decided to go to his place and there, I exposed myself bare to him but that’s not where the sex began.

After months of up and downs in my relationship, we finally had sex eleven days after my birthday.

At this point, I started sitting at the back of the church and I couldn’t even participate in anything talk less of reading the Bible. I would use the church to lie when I  was asked about my whereabouts in the night. My relatives would tell me point-blank that with the way I was going, our relationship (I and my boyfriend) wouldn’t last and even though I knew that,  I felt that my beauty, wit and intelligence would make it work.

After having sex for the sixth time, the inevitable happened. I got pregnant. I told him and the next day, we aborted the baby.

I am now scared for my life. There is no day I don’t cry or not think about it. All I wanted after redemption was to never be in a situation where I would be regarded as someones ex-girlfriend because I feel an ex is an example of someone you will never let back in your life.

I’m really sorry for what I did. Funny enough, all these happened in the space of one year. I have learnt my lesson, most definitely. Will I  ever be able to meet someone and let them love me as a whole? I am not sure but what I am sure of is that God still loves me- if not I wouldn’t be breathing and I would have to  live every moment of my life trying to correct my past mistakes.

I hope this blesses someone.

Like every other post on DAMAGED SERIES; this is a true story recounted by a lady who would like to remain anonymous.

I along side, Ifeyinwa Amagwuala, Remi Olaniyi and Oyinkansola Ige have added these few lessons, as the purpose of the Damaged series isn’t just the story, but drawing lessons from other peoples experience and past so you don’t make the same thing.

LESSONS

  1. The negative effects of a dysfunctional home cannot be overemphasized. We need to seek after God’s purpose for family and Marriage so that we raise a new generation of children with purpose and understanding as God intended.
  2. No matter what has happened to you, don’t allow it to impede your decision-making process. Joseph was sold into slavery by his own brothers, yet he was kind hearted, meek and sincere. Jesus Christ was spat on, cursed and rejected by the very people he died for, yet he did not sin. It is your life. Make the godliest of decisions.
  3. We need to learn self love. Yes. A lot of times, a lot of people (parents and family members) that are supposed to love us by default might fail. But sincerely this is not enough reason to fall on someone else to show you love. This is too much power to give to a human being. Getting into relationships should be for certain goals and for one to be loved is not one of them.
  4. We all have sexual baggage. Inward (the lusts in our hearts) or outward (in the acts). No one is exempted. It is all a result of our broken humanity. True healing and wholeness can only be received in Jesus. Mark 3:5
  5. Sexual impuruty of any sort (oral sex, touching, in whatever form) is a sin against God. No one can change that or tear it off from the Bible. ( Ephesians 5:3)
  6. Flee from ALL appearances of evil. In other words, do not put yourself in a position to be tempted.
  7. Keep the right company. Date the kind of people who share your values as a Christian. You don’t have to date everyone who asks you out. You are not just dating a person, you are dating his/her values. Choose wisely ( 2 Timothy 2:22)
  8. God has given you the spirit of self-control. He has given you all you need for life and godliness. If you have been given something to use, then use it. Don’t leave it dormant ( 2 Timothy 1:7)
  9. If you are looking for love, there’s only one place you can find it- with the author of love, God. This statement may seem cliche, but it is the truth. And truth is truth.
  10. Being in a relationship isn’t another life must, like getting rest or eating. Relationship exists as a prelude to marriage; a time to whether your desire to spend the rest of your life with someone will work out, NEVER BE DESPERATE FOR A RELATIONSHIP. There is time for everything.
  11. Someone might seem perfect for a partner, but don’t be too carried away by mere facades or your feelings that you don’t see warning signs to back off a dysfunctional relationship. BEING SOMEONE’S EX ISN’T THE WORST THING THAT CAN HAPPEN, if the person is not right for you.

Thank you for reading the ninth episode of DAMAGED, hope it helps someone. I’m really looking forward to seeing your comments.

kindly share on your Facebook, Twitter…let someone who needs it see it.

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READ PREVIOUS EPISODES -> HERE <-

A TRUE STORY OF MULTIPLE SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS, HEARTBREAK, ABUSE…DAMAGED 7
HOW “THE ALMOST” LEFT ME AS IF IT DID: DAMAGED 6
HOW MUCH WORSE CAN IT GET? : DAMAGED 5

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We all have a story, most of which we are not proud of, but all from which we must have learned a thing or two. Share your story here. To share your own story, send me a mail here; hello@lifegiva.com. I will be waiting to hear from you.

LOVE, STORIES,

A True Story Of Multiple Sexual Relationships, Heartbreak, Abuse – DAMAGED 7

Today’s episode of DAMAGED is pretty intense and wide. It covers a  whole lot of issues; from multiple sexual relationships and molestation to abuse, heartbreak and others as experienced by one person. I implore you to open your minds as you read today’s true story as related by the victim herself.  I bet there is a lot to pick from it. Happy reading.

“It all started when I was 11 yrs old.  There was this guy in my church who had interest in me.  He asked me out and I accepted to be his girlfriend. Barely a year after we started dating, he travelled out of the country. He was always calling after he left and even though I wasn’t serious about it, he informed his parents about us and everyone was expectant that something good would come out of the relationship.

I gained admission into the university 6 years after we started dating  and in my 100 level (first semester), I met a guy who was giving me attention and honestly,  I enjoyed his company. I never knew my troubles had just begun.  We started dating and I began looking for every means to break up with my overseas boyfriend. I would pick up quarrels with him, give him bad attitudes and so on but he wouldn’t let go. Along the line, I lost my virginity to my new boyfriend but it didn’t stop there, he was coming back to ask for more and would force himself on me if I refused. I was so down in my spirit and every effort I made to stop having sex with him didn’t work. He would always say I should respect him because he was the first man I knew and sometimes calls me a BITCH. I was helpless, I couldn’t free myself from him, I couldn’t even pray.

Eventually, I told one of my friends what was happening and she snitched me by broadcasting it to everybody. One day, he came to my room and told me he had been cheating and if I truly wanted to leave him, I should strip myself naked. Right there I stood up to him and told him to get out of my life.

My overseas boyfriend was still pleading for my attention, so I told him everything that happened – how I cheated on him.  Although he was disappointed,  he still accepted me back. He came home the following year and on one of those nights we were together, he proposed. I accepted reluctantly.   I wondered if I loved him enough to marry him . That night he asked for sex and I refused and he  said “Do you think I am a fool? How can you  refuse to have sex with me? There  is nothing to protect afterall“.  I eventually gave in and had sex with him. He left few weeks later and we continued our relationship, everyone was happy for us but the quarrels never ended. We were always at loggerheads with each other. I was so tired of the whole thing.

Along the line I met a friend I had known since 100 level. Although he wasn’t a student and didn’t stay in the country, he just came at that time for a short visit,  we became close and things started happening between us.  Within the space of three months, we had gone so far and suddenly I was fed up of the whole affair and we ended it just like that. After that I was so confused with my life and didn’t know what to do. I told my “fiancé” that I wasn’t interested in the relationship anymore . He was hurt but I had to let go. I cried, prayed and asked God to have mercy on me and give me a divine direction for my life .

While all that happened I was effective in my school fellowship and was also an executive. I was so ashamed of myself and decided to turn a new leaf. As if God has answered my prayers, I came across an ex-president of my fellowship and then we started talking. Along the line he proposed and I was like, “This will definitely be different from the rest because he is a child of God, he should know more about avoiding pre-marital sex”.

We started the relationship and it felt like the best thing that had ever happened to me. I was so happy and I felt fulfilled . I was glad  that after my experiences with different guys and the kind of life i lived , I finally got to settle down with a man (A king that will make me his queen and whose royalty is rooted in God). He was always over me, calling day and night, sending text messages of how he can’t wait for us to be together. We had a day for fasting and prayers about our relationship, our future marriage and likewise for bible study. I got acquainted with his parents, siblings and even his extended family members. He even introduced me to his two spiritual fathers.  I felt special and so important in his life and thought, “Yes!!! I have found a resting place concerning marriage.

Then he wanted us to get physical. He said he didn’t see anything wrong with romance since we were not doing the real thing. Of course since I foolishly made him  a template for my life and saw everything he said as  “always right”, I  agreed and we started. He even gave me two books that taught me how to be sexually active and then I became the “dog that went back to its vomit” and the latter was worse than the former.

I got entangled with what I was running from and each time we talked about it and decided we wouldn’t go back to it, we found  ourselves back in the act. Our spiritual lives began to run down and our relationship was affected. He stopped picking my calls, stopped sending text messages, stopped calling me his treasure and hedidn’t enjoy my company anymore. I pleaded and asked him what I did but he wouldn’t say anything meaningful. He only said he had a  lot of things bothering him. I believed him and told him he could  always share his issues with me (after all, we were going to get married….*laughs* ) . Yet he wouldn’t change and he wouldn’t tell me what went wrong. The only excuse he gave me was that he thought I was not being firm in my decision-making because I was still attending my old church . Aaaaaah!!! I thought we would  settle that and he would  be a little more patient since I would get married and leave the church. He then said he needed time to pray again about the relationship and that he was having second thoughts.  He  said he knew we would have challenges right from the start and he was confused or rather, in a ” foggy state” . He said we should slow down a bit and told me that I am free to date anyone else . He said he was glad that I would be leaving  for NYSC  as that would  give me the chance to meet other guys, and that ended it all.

Looking back at my life, I cannot but thank God for everything that happened because now I know who I am in HIM. Though I learnt my lessons in a hard and bitter way, I also learnt that my physical qualities, intelligence and every other good thing a woman can possess in life is not enough to keep a man. I need God the most and I have to do things His way  if I ever want to succeed in my marital life.  Righteousness will always exalt you no matter what other people think.

According to His word, “To be carnally minded is death and to be spiritually minded is life and peace”.

I am happy with the kind of peace I experience now, I have seen what it means to be dirty and not to have rest of mind . But right now, I have found a new kind of peace and I don’t want to let it go. (God give me more grace to hold onto him). I know He has a hope and future for me, so while rejoicing in the hope He has given me, I patiently wait for that MAN (I know not) that he is preparing for me.

You have read it all, and I’m sure you have one or two things to hold on to by now. Let me just emphasis a few.

1. You can always get back up better than you have fallen.

This lady’s experience has shown me that a person is more than his/her past and what they have done. Let me be a bit specific – “Virtue for a lady is not in virginity or  not having to have had a previous sexual experience (even putting in mind that some lose their virginity to abuse). True value is in who she/they are now”. So, please don’t let your past and the experiences you don’t have any control over dictate who you are now.

I have heard of people who became sexual tools after being  sexually abused once.  You are more than your past, get over it. You define who you are now, don’t let any man or woman, boyfriend/girlfriend/ex tell you who you are. Let God e the judge of that, and if God tells you He loves you and you worth so much to Him to the extent of giving His son, then you worth that much.

2. No man is perfect

This is the second time it will be surfacing in the DAMAGED series, where a lady will see a man as ideal and as one who cannot hurt her or do to her what others did …. Trust your man or lady, but have it at the back of  your mind that he or she is not God, they are still subject to errors and weaknesses like any other human. They can hurt you, they will hurt you. Thinking they won’t hurt you and putting too much trust in them will shatter your heart in the case of a breakup. And yes, that a man is spiritual doesn’t mean he has his carnal cravings eliminated. The control he has over it depends on how surrendered and in tune with  God he his. Don’t be shocked if he demands to get physical with you, and don’t put all the precaution of not falling into sexual temptation on him. You have a part to play as well.

3. Comparing partners.

She cheated on her ex just because a guy was present, giving her more than the boyfriend was, or was able to give what the boyfriend couldn’t. This cannot be sidetracked in relationships – you will always find someone who is finer, smarter, funnier, more caring than your boo. That does not mean they will be better partners than your partner is.Whatever you do, make sure you judge him/her against themselves, i,e their previous best and what you desire from a relationship and not based on  another man or lady. I wish I could talk more on this. I just hope you get the point.

kindly share on your Facebook, Twitter…let someone who needs it see it. 

***

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If this series has been of help to you or could be of help to anyone at all, then the least is to help them read this. Kindly tell someone about it and what is happening here on www.lifegiva.com

We all have a story, most of which we are not proud of, but all from which we must have learned a thing or two. Share your story here. Contact me on any of the addresses below. I will be waiting to hear from you.

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Faith, STORIES,

DAMAGED…Episode 8

Girl putting her hand on her face
It took me time to finally make a decision to send this. However since I was blessed by other “DAMAGED” stories, I decided to make the move. It’s not because the healing hasn’t occurred but because the thoughts still remain and hit me hard like it was yesterday.
It all started with a man. A neighbour at my cousins’ place. I was young, I mean too young to even remember the age. Well, I didn’t realise what has been done to me by this man. I can’t remember how he looks now. All I knew is he carried me in a manner which was all sexual. Pretending to carry me but was actually doing the evil in his heart. Well, that obviously had an impact on me. Little did I know what it was back then, but that marked the beginning.
That same period an older cousin of mine took me inside his room and did the same. Will I call it sex or rape?
When I got back home from my visit to my cousins. I couldn’t but continue. In fact, I even had neighbours and friends who had started such sexual relationships. It wasn’t just with guys but with girls now.
Each time I did that I actually felt dirty and wrong. I prayed immediately. In fact, I told the people also to ask God to forgive us because it was wrong, we did, but we fell back.
I never watched pornography in fact when I saw one and tried I was disgusted and asked God to forgive me for even trying.
When I was finally 11 years old. I made a vow on my own to stop the sexual acts I did. I was glad and fulfilled to start afresh and I became quiet too. Just as I did, a girl of my age who was also involved with me in prior sexual relations threatened this vow as she severally wanted to initiate sex as she spent days in my house.
I tried to prevent her even though I also wanted her not to stop but she had her way. That day I was sad ’cause each time I broke my vow and took grace for granted. Well, I prayed earnestly for her to leave. The Same day, I made my vow for real and I added that I would never get married because it was a guy who started this. I felt I was too wasted now to ever get married. Also with the fact that I wasn’t ready to narrate this past to any man.
I liked someone but well it was like. I only liked him in my imagination and I wasn’t ready for any relationship. Till I started liking another whom I liked with all my heart. I don’t think I can describe in words how much he meant to me. Even till now he has a place in my heart well not as obsessed as I was before. Oh, I called him and all, even though he ignored me ’cause I was like hell to him.
Finally, he became my friend and from there my boyfriend. I told him about my past and he said that was nothing anymore.
I’m telling you I can’t explain the joy that filled my soul. I was in 200 level in the university when we started going out, It was a very pure relationship. I must say very pure and that made me love him more. He was too nice to me but well it ended which I really can’t explain though because I do not understand how till now.
I got God’s master plan for my life as I was in that relationship and God called me to worship. After the break up I cried every day and attempted murder. Well God is great, the devil only wanted to make me say THE END when it was just the beginning. I cried so much that I actually dried up all my tears and till now I doubt if I can cry if I lose any guy.
That break, I studied the book of Romans and I don’t know how it changed me. I couldn’t stay a day without reading my bible. I finally became a bible addict, even during lectures I read it.
Then I met a very spiritual guy, he taught me the word and I was too excited.
Meanwhile, I had begged my ex to come back but to no avail. Well with the word of God, I forgot the past tears, I started liking this spiritual guy. Probably I mistook the affection, I think it was a rebound. He knew and said he likes me too which even made me glad that it was mutual. Oh, and I never liked hugging guys because of my past experience.
Well, one day he hugged me and I knew something was wrong. He was just too close so that caused me to write a letter not direct but to find out cause at that point I was suspicious. He gave a positive reply of how he had laid all at the altar of sacrifice (his flesh) and I was relieved, it was probably an imagination that propelled my suspicious act.
Then one day he tried to get physical, I’m telling you I was too shocked. When I’m shocked I remain quiet trying to understand. Well, he still taught me the word and each time I asked he assured me of the flesh-sacrificed. Well I didn’t dispute because I didn’t want to battle with the anointed, I was learning spiritual authority.
Then the physical intimacy between us continued, I was scared ’cause my past which was now past was making me sad again. I told him of how wrong this was and it was mere lust trying to arouse such feelings which he said it wasn’t, that that is allowed in a relationship as far as sex was not involved. I was confused because he was spiritual and could almost back it up with scriptures.
He asked me out well I couldn’t explain my feelings, whether I was happy or not because I felt trapped thinking about the past and just said since it had started. It was better to get married to him because I wouldn’t want to start explaining to another man how the past reappeared, I would only look foolish at my age.
Tried to get physical (kissing, touching…) even more in the relationship and I told him that if he did this I would only get irritated because I always had it in mind to shout at him but I was scared. I just couldn’t so I was quiet.
He saw being physical in a relationship as something right at first. Something normal in a relationship, but later on maybe saw it as the flesh rising up.
I stopped him many times calmly and said I wanted to help him stop this but would not want to be involved. Well to no avail, and that was when I started getting irritated with him, not just that I was beginning to shift away from friends, I wanted to leave school. It wasn’t wonderful and we had quarrelled. Oh, God’s plan for my life never stopped putting me back on track. I ignored a lot of people that they began wondering what was wrong.
I was extremely DEPRESSED! Feeling wasted for even staying quiet about it. It reminded me of my past even though I wasn’t so close to it. I decided to end it as his promise of change even with scriptures seemed unreal and I was falling back seriously spiritually too as he really confused me with his assurance and at this point, I still also had my ex in mind like I said, he still remains special.
It finally ended, the relationship that caused my past to be knocking, the one which I hated so much.
Well, all I did was to hate that sin (Fornication and Homosexuality) with passion, that was what I did when I was younger, I hated it and now I did the same hated it and said “that sin cannot have dominion over me” You know what, I fled. FLEE fornication.
The Amplified version of 1st Corinthians 6:18 says: Shun immorality and sexual looseness [flee from impurity in thought, word or deed]. Any other sin which a man commits is one outside the body but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. It further says in 1st Corinthians 6:19-20 (I can’t take this for granted, so this should awaken the unaware): “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own, you were bought at a price. Therefore honour God with your body“.
The truth remains that God is faithful and HE can remove habits that have become strongholds but we need to RUN where the word says RUN.

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kindly share on your Facebook, Twitter…let someone who needs it see it. 

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If this series has been of help to you or could be of help to anyone at all, then the least is to help them read this. Kindly tell someone about it and what is happening here onwww.lifegiva.com

We all have a story, most of which we are not proud of, but all from which we must have learned a thing or two. Share your story here. Contact me on any of the addresses below. I will be waiting to hear from you.

*****

To share your own story, send me a email here; mail@lifegiva.com

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STORIES,

A TRUE STORY OF MULTIPLE SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS, HEARTBREAK, ABUSE…DAMAGED 7

Today’s episode of DAMAGED is pretty intense and wide. It covers a  whole lot of issues- from multiple sexual relationships and molestation to abuse, heartbreaks and others as experienced by one person. I implore you to open your minds as you read today’s true story as related by the victim herself.  I bet there is a lot to pick from it. Happy reading.
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“It all started when I was 11yrs old.  There was this guy in my church who had interest in me.  He asked me out and I accepted to be his girlfriend. Barely a year after we started dating, he travelled out of the country. He was always calling after he left and even though I wasn’t serious about it, he informed his parents about us and everyone was expectant that something good would come out of the relationship.
I gained admission into the university 6 years after we started dating  and in my 100 level (first semester), I met a guy who was giving me attention and honestly,  I enjoyed his company. I never knew my troubles had just begun.  We started dating and I began looking for every means to break up with my overseas boyfriend. I would pick up quarrels with him, give him bad attitudes and so on but he wouldn’t let go.
Along the line, I lost my virginity to my new boyfriend but it didn’t stop there, he was coming back to ask for more and would force himself on me if I refused. I was so down in my spirit and every effort I made to stop having sex with him didn’t work. He would always say I should respect him because he was the first man I knew and sometimes calls me a BITCH. I was helpless, I couldn’t free myself from him, I couldn’t even pray. Eventually, I told one of my friends what was happening and she snitched me by broadcasting it to everybody. One day, he came to my room and told me he had been cheating and if I truly wanted to leave him, I should strip myself naked. Right there I stood up to him and told him to get out of my life.
My overseas boyfriend was still pleading for my attention, so I told him everything that happened- how I cheated on him.  Although he was disappointed,  he still accepted me back. He came home the following year and on one of those nights we were together, he proposed . I accepted reluctantly.   I wondered if I loved him enough to marry him . That night he asked for sex and I refused and he  said “Do you think i am a fool? How can you  refuse to have sex with me? there  is nothing to protect afterall”.  I eventually gave in and had sex with him.
He left few weeks later and we continued our relationship, everyone was happy for us but the quarrels never ended. We were always at loggerheads with each other. I was so tired of the whole thing. Along the line I met a friend I had known since 100 level. Although he wasn’t a student and didn’t stay in the country, he just came at that time for a short visit,  we became close and things started happening between us.  Within the space of three months, we had gone so far and suddenly I was fed up of the whole affair and we ended it just like that. After that I was so confused with my life and didn’t know what to do. I told my “fiancé” that I wasn’t interested in the relationship anymore . He was hurt but I had to let go.
I cried, prayed and asked God to have mercy on me and give me a divine direction for my life .  While all that happened I was effective in my school fellowship and was also  an  executive. I was so ashamed of myself and decided to turn a new leaf. As if God has answered my prayers, I came across an ex-president of my fellowship and then we started talking. Along the line he proposed and I was like, “This will definitely be different from the rest because he is a child of God, he should know more about avoiding pre-marital sex”. We started the relationship and it felt like the best thing that had ever happened to me.
I was so happy and I felt fulfilled . i was glad  that after my experiences with different guys and the kind of life i lived , I finally got to settle down with a man (A king that will make me his queen and whose royalty is rooted in God). He was always over me, calling day and night, sending text messages of how he can’t wait for us to be together.
We had a day for fasting and prayers about our relationship, our  future marriage and likewise for bible study. I got acquainted with his parents, siblings and even his extended family members. He even introduced me to his two spiritual fathers.  I felt  special and so important in his life and thought, “Yes!!! I have found a resting place concerning marriage.”
Then he wanted us to get physical. He said he didn’t see anything wrong with romance since we were not doing the real thing. Of course since I foolishly made him  a template for my life and saw everything he said as  “always right”, I  agreed and we started. He even gave me two books that taught me how to be sexually active and then I became the “dog that went back to its vomit” and the latter was worse than the former. I got entangled with what I was running from and each time we talked about it and decided we wouldn’t go back to it, we found  ourselves back in the act.
Our spiritual lives began to run down and our relationship was affected. He stopped picking my calls, stopped sending text messages, stopped calling me his treasure and hedidn’t enjoy my company anymore. I pleaded and asked him what I did but he wouldn’t say anything meaningful. He only said he had a  lot of things bothering him. I believed him and told him he could  always share his issues with me (after all, we were going to get married….*laughs*) . Yet he wouldn’t change and he wouldn’t tell me what went wrong. The only excuse he gave me was that he thought I was not being firm in my decision making becauae i was still attending my old church . Aaaaaah!!! I thought we would  settle that and he would  be a little more patient since I would get married and leave the church. He then said he needed time to pray again about the relationship and that he was having second thoughts.  He  said he knew we would have challenges right from the start and he was confused or rather, in a ” foggy state” . He said we should slow down a bit and told me that I am free to date anyone else . He said he was glad that i would be leaving  for NYSC  as that would  give me the chance to meet other guys, and that ended it all.
Looking back at my life, I cannot but thank God for everything that happened because now I know who I am in HIM. Though I learnt my lessons in a hard and bitter way, I also learnt that my physical qualities, intelligence and every other good thing a woman can possess in life is not enough to keep a man. I need God the most and I have to do things His way  if I ever want to succeed in my marital life.  Righteousness will always exalt you no matter what other people think.
According to His word, “To be carnally minded is death and to be spiritually minded is life and peace”. I am happy with the kind of peace I experience now, I have seen what it means to be dirty and not to have rest of mind . But right now, I have found a new kind of peace and I don’t want to let it go. (God give me more grace to hold onto him). I know He has a hope and future for me, so while rejoicing in the hope He has given me, I patiently wait for that MAN (I know not) that he is preparing for me.
You have read it all, and I’m sure you have one or two things to hold on to by now. Let me just emphasis a few.
1. You can always get back up better than you have fallen.
This lady’s experience has shown me that a person is more than his/her past and what they have done. L et me be a bit specific – “Virtue for a lady is not in virginity or  not having to have had a previous sexual experience (even putting in mind that some lose theur virginities to abuse). True value is in who she/they are now”. So, please don’t let your past and the experiences you don’t have any control over dictacte who you are now. I have heard of people who became sexual tools after being  sexully abused once.  You are more than your past, get over it.
You define who you are now, don’t let any man or woman, boyfriend/girlfriend/ex tell you who you are. Let God e the judge of that, and if God tells you He loves you and you worth so much to Him to the extent of giving His son, then you worth that much.
2. No man is perfect
This is the second time it will be surfacing in the DAMAGED series, where a lady will see a man as ideal and as one who cannot hurt her or do to her what others did ….
Trust your  man or lady, but have it at the back of  your mind that he or she is not God, they are still subject to errors and weaknesses like any other human. They can hurt you, they will hurt you. Thinking they won’t hurt you and putting too much trust in them will shatter your heart in the case of a breakup.
And yes, that a man is spiritual doesn’t mean he has his carnal cravings eliminated. The control he has over it depends on how surrendered and in tune with  God he his. Don’t be shocked if he demands to get physical with you, and don’t put all the precaution of not falling into sexual temptation on him. You have a part to play as well.
3. Comparing partners.
She cheated on her ex just because a guy was present, giving her more than the boyfriend was, or was able to give what the boyfriend couldn’t. This cannot be sidtracked in relationships-you will always find someone that is finer, smarter, funnier, more caring than your boo. That does not mean they will be better partners than your partner is. Whatever you do, make sure you judge him/her against themselves, i,e their previous best and what you desire from a relationship and not based on  another man or lady. I wish I could talk more on this. I just hope you get the point.
Thank you for reading, kindly share your own stories and experiences on this blog, it might just help somebody and even be a good step to your healing as well. And don’t forget to check the 6 previous Episodes HERE

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Success Within International holds her 2nd Year Anniversary Conference. 26th July 2014, @Sweet Sensations Hall 3, Opebi, Ikeja, Lagos. 12PM

Success Within International holds her 2nd Year Anniversary Conference. 26th July 2014, @Sweet Sensations Hall 3, Opebi, Ikeja, Lagos. 12PM


 
To subscribe send an email to stm@shalomtruths.com also like STM's facebook page www.facebook.com/shalomtruth for more updates.

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LIFESTYLE, STORIES,

HOW "THE ALMOST" LEFT ME AS IF IT DID: DAMAGED 6

Lady in evening dress sleeping on floorI want to start this post with the words Propaganda said in a spoken word performance, “Son, I couldn’t see past the bombs, The first one didn’t kill me and the second one ain’t even happened, Yet it ended our family“. My point; how true and sad the real bad thing hadn’t happened yet, but still has the same effect as if it happened. This is like the situation in today’s episode of DAMAGE. Happy reading.
I am not sharing my experience with you so I would be pitied by you. NO!
As a kid of about 6/7/8years, I loved going on vacations to my cousin’s houses. I would jump so fast at every weekend break. It happened that on one of these occasions, I was at my cousin’s house. They had the children of their family friends (all boys) living with them at that time and the house was also a big one with some flats rarely used. I can’t recall the entire scene completely, but I was in one of the flats with one of the boys who was about five years older than me.
He came beside me and he started rubbing my body. He rubbed everywhere, put his hands in my pants and kept on rubbing. I was totally naive, so I didn’t say anything. (Sex education is good. As soon as your children can speak, teach them little things before an aunty or uncle abuses them). There was a bed in the room. He told me to lie down on it and that he would lie on top of me OR He would lie down and then I would lie on top of him. Sincerely speaking, I had no clue what that could lead to but I gave the excuse that my tummy would pain me if I did. So I didn’t. I left the place immediately. (Now I know that it was the abiding grace of God that kept me from getting raped).
That one incident did not leave me without scars. I found out that something was awoken in me. I started masturbating from that time and these kept on for several years. It wasn’t until a few years back until I was able to trace the source. I could masturbate anywhere without anyone noticing. These kept on and on. The scars that episode left were more of emotional and psychological. As I grew older, I came to know that what I was doing was wrong, but I would try to stop it but fall back into it all over again.
I was always in the maze of self-condemnation. Tried and tried on my own to stop it, but I could not help myself. I received the life of Christ, but there were still times I would fall back into this habitual sin. I could not open my mouth to tell anyone what I was going through. Through it all, God’s abiding grace kept me and brought me out.
I surrounded myself with the right company and especially with the word of God.
–          We are no longer slaves to sin
–          Resist the devil.
–          Flee temptation – God’s word doesn’t tell us to be spiritual about temptation by trying to fight with it. It says “Flee.
The turning point came when I realised it was an oppression. How can I be a born again child of God and be masturbating? I prayed and yes, God answers prayers. I look back and I thank God. It could have been worse. I look forward and thank God because I have a better understanding.

Today, I am no longer a slave. I am free, redeemed. I am not damaged. I am unspoiled.

As much as temptations come around, always flee.  When you come to the end of yourself, God will help you. His strength is made perfect in our weaknesses.
“All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort- we get a full measure of that, too.”- 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 (MSG Translation).
What God delivered me from, He sent me to. I hope this has been a blessing to somebody. I know it has.
There is no form of addiction that is contrary to God’s will that you can’t be delivered from. If God did it for me, He will do it for you.

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INSPIRATION, STORIES,

HOW MUCH WORSE CAN IT GET? #MyDamagedStory

A few moments after the previous episode of DAMAGE (Kirk Franklin’s struggle with pornography) went live here on the blog, I got a message from someone I will name Miss J and it read, “Can I tell my own story?”, and of course, that is what DAMAGE series is about, you telling your stories. So here it goes, I must confess it’s a really touching one with loads to learn from.

Miss J:

I was molested by a family member at maybe 7 or 8 years old. As well as a school teacher.

But there was never this child to parent relationship where the child could talk to her mother or father about anything happening to her. All of this happened under the noses of my parents. I also didn’t know anything about the whole sex thing…. No one ever said anything to me. I trusted my uncle to always be good to me, so at first I thought it was OK…. and the molestation continued for about 3 years…till I became a bit older. I guess he realized that I would begin to know or something plus he wasn’t really around after that.

The first I heard about sex was in church, then at school. And when the church and some friends started to talk about virginity, that was when I realized what was being done to me. That’s when I began to withdraw and keep to myself.

We had a family member who came to stay with us when my mum gave birth to our last born. She had already been into a lot of things. I think the same uncle had been doing the same thing with her, but I am not sure. But she decided to do the same with myself and sister (lesbianism), and through her I got introduced to a lot of things.

There was a computer in our house that was being used by this same uncle that molested me. I am naturally inquisitive, so I was just scrolling through all the files and I came upon this video and watched it. That was my first exposure to porn. After that, I would go online and search it out myself…This also led to masturbation.

I started battling with esteem issues, and got into porn and masturbation…I hated men and never wanted to get married.

I always knew about God, but I never really knew him personally…… I mean I hail from a Christian home where we don’t watch secular music on TV. We only watch messages.

I got into a relationship at 15 and we got to the sex part… I told him I wasn’t interested, but some seeds had been sown, so it eventually became a sexual relationship… But what struck me most was that even though I had given him what he wanted, he was my first experience of rape. I just didn’t want to but he forced his way, raping me. I continued with that relationship even after the first occurrence it repeated itself… Then I left.

I got into another relationship and the same thing happened; got raped and I also left. And it almost happened in the third relationship. As at then I was already beginning to form a really bad opinion about sex. I felt it was not a good thing and never wanted to have any man touch me not even in marriage… So I made up my mind that I didn’t want to get married. I refused to get into any form of relationship. Then I began to know God.

Even with knowing God… The porn and masturbation continued because those issues, actually none of the issues were dealt with. I grew in the knowledge of Him, but still kept all of these things to myself. As well as the porn and masturbation.

Then I got into a relationship with a spiritual guy. The relationship went fine for about a year till he started to get physical. I got into that relationship because I was taught about Gods will for marriage…. I forgave the other men and the girl and opened up my mind to a relationship and marriage. I and the spiritual guy (my boyfriend) talked about the issue of sex and decided that it should not happen.

I really couldn’t open up to him. All I could tell him was that I was molested and was raped. I didn’t tell him that I allowed a sexual relationship. It had cost me earlier to even mention any of that to my other boyfriends so keeping mute about it just felt safe.

As we went on he began to demand my body and I was getting very uncomfortable. I would refuse to get romantic with him because I knew what it could lead to. I knew that if I should allow a level of romance I would fall back to where I was. I was trying to build myself; get over my lust and addictions by fully staying away.

The spiritual guy wanted Romans… Kissing….. Sexual stimulations shaa but not sex. Everything apart from sex. Wanted me to spend the night with him…. And actually did because I was just brainwashed by his revelation of grace.

But I have believed in this guy, in fact, he had taken the place of God in my heart and I didn’t realize it until it was late. I believed every of his “Rhema” (scriptural revelations). And he also didn’t want otherwise.

He found a way to convince me that romance without sex was ok. But I would go on for a while, then I would beg him to stop because I was seeing the effects (aftereffects). There was no point starting what you cannot finish. There is no point stirring up sexual feelings when you won’t satisfy it. I will not fully blame him because I kept some things from him….. Like when I allowed sexual relationships, and it was not good that I kept it from him.  Probably he wouldn’t have pushed it if he knew.

For some time… He was a spiritual blessing… But when all the physical stuff began I started to pull back into my shell. I started drawing back from God. But funny enough… No one noticed, I know how to put up a show, look good and make my feelings invisible. I was not sure who to talk to because we both had a reputation.

I simply felt condemned. Why should this keep happening was a question in my mind.

Then I was away from him for some time… But was losing my mind already. I wanted to just die…

I couldn’t stand what was happening in the relationship with the spiritual guy… I couldn’t read my bible nor pray to a God that I felt that I was constantly sinning against God intentionally in the guise of grace…

That made me do a lot of crazy things, including cheating on him with the other guy. … And living a dangerous lifestyle…. Staying out late… Keeping the wrong company…. I just wanted my life to end because I didn’t understand why it kept reoccurring.

I didn’t want to have anything to do with God….I didn’t want to commit suicide, but it was a thought nearby. I always wanted something bad to happen and take my life to the extent that I got careless with my life, I would stay out late….I wouldn’t eat, it was just sane craziness.

Then I decided that there was really no point…. I met some other guy and slept with him for about 3 months while still in the relationship with the spiritual guy.

But when you are Gods elect….. No matter how much and how far you stray… He would still leave the 99 other sheep and come looking for you.

This was 4 years after the last rape. In the end, I had to open up to this spiritual guy. Because I had been trying to tell him that things were happening as a result of what was going on between us. I stopped seeing the other guy.

But funny enough, this spiritual guy never accepted his fault. Not even an apology. Didn’t try to really listen to me. Then he ended a long relationship that I had really looked forward to for marriage…He told me that he didn’t hold anything against me, but that even the love he said he had for me, nor God himself wasn’t enough reason to continue the relationship.

I was heartbroken because I had wrapped my life all around him…

While going through all of this God was there with me….

I had sleepless nights…All I could do was cry…And wonder how I could have hurt the one who died for me, how I was capable of straying so far from him and how I could put a man in his place…I cried for my own lost soul. But one night…. As I cried, He put a song in my mouth…

“Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so, little one to him belong, they are weak but He is strong. Yes Jesus loves me…the bible tells me so”.

And that night I slept like a baby, though after that I still kept my distance from God, but I knew that he was with me all the way. He sent people even unknown to them that he was using them…. And they helped to lift me up. I stand today happy, grateful and free. I have found full happiness only in God.

God matters. Nothing else does

Tee Abraham:

Wow. Thank God for his unending love. Men’s love might fail, even the best of men, but His love does not quit.

Miss J:

Yes……As well as my own strength, I found out that I was using my own strength to try to keep myself but when pressure came….. I couldn’t stand.

Tee Abraham:

So how did you come out? Was it just the revelation of God’s love for you or you took some steps?

Miss J:

He died for me….. There is no greater love. I do not deserve anything good from him… He just chose to love me … And He died for me…. My strength failed me, but He became my strength. Man’s love failed me but He became my love. He began to remind me of how it was when he was my only love.

There are no steps or principles that I can take outside of him. The only step I took was to accept his love. And that was all.

In it was the wisdom to keep the right company, to watch what I watch and hear, to stay continually in his loving presence.

Tee Abraham:

How long did your healing process take?

Miss J:

Oh……. It’s still on. I know God is not done with me.

Parents need to be careful and prayerful for their children

Tee Abraham:

Lastly, do you have any points or lessons, or message you will like me to share or conclude the post with? What advice will you really give to people struggling with addictions?

Miss J:

  • Trust God…. There is no way you can do it yourself. It would not happen all at once… Sometimes you would fall again, but keep your focus on God. Watch the things you watch. Avoid some movies… Bombard yourself with things that would take your mind off these things.
  • Talk to someone who would encourage you and tell you the truth… Not someone who would just lay hands on you and not teach you and guide you…. Watch your company… What do they talk about…? Protect your mind as much as you can but also know that it’s not by your own power… Put your full trust in God.
  • Also reach out to other people with the same problems and as you do… You are reaching out to yourself and God would perfect His work.
  • Do not be alone in your fight against any of those challenges…. There is a reason why we have brothers and sisters in the faith… But you should also be careful because only God has the final say.

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READ PREVIOUS EPISODES -> HERE <-

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We all have a story, most of which we are not proud of, but all from which we must have learned a thing or two. Share your story here. Contact me on any of the addresses below. I will be waiting to hear from you.

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To share your own story, send me a mail here; hello@lifegiva.com

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Thank you for reading. I’m really looking forward to seeing your comments.

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