I decided it was the right thing to do. If I was going to explore the depths of knowing who God made me be, I would have to let go of my past and face the future with God on my side.
Dad and mum renewed their wedding vows. It was a pleasure watching them renew their vows as they cried like little children. Kingsley sat beside me and we held hands as we watched them exchange vows. The whole family was there. Everyone was happy.
I noticed how withdrawn Kingsley was, though. He didn’t smile much and sometimes, he would give me a really fake smile. I didn’t want to ask what was wrong because I didn’t want him to tell me I was nagging. But then again, he is my boyfriend, asking him wouldn’t hurt.
“What’s wrong baby”? I asked one day as we lay on his cotton bed in his room. We hadn’t made out in a while, and the environment seemed rather tense. I knew something was up, but I couldn’t place a finger on it.
“Nothing, nothing at all, dear…”
“I said nothing”, he cut in. he looked at me like he was sorry for snapping, but I waved it off and continued to stare at the ceiling, wondering what was wrong. All of a sudden, our conversations had been reduced to mere hellos and chit-chats, no depth, no exchange, nothing. Just surface stuff…
I woke up the next morning in my room, and after praying, I decided to take a walk around the estate. It’s not beans to live in a tush estate you know? 🙂 So I began my walk. All of a sudden I stopped. I remembered the dream, about the chains that held me, and how lonely I felt. I began to wonder if God was saying…
Saying what I didn’t want to hear…
Letting go of someone you love so much is easier said than done. I couldn’t imagine being away from Kingsley, no. Thoughts on how Abraham was willing to sacrifice his son, Isaac came to mind. Abraham didn’t mind giving God his prized possession because he had faith that God would give him another.
But I…. I didn’t have faith that God would send me a man even better than Kingsley. I got scared. What if Kingsley met a better woman and rubbed it in my face? Imagine if I would never meet a man as honest, kind and resourceful as Kingsley? What ifs began to play ludo with my head, and I became weak all of a sudden. I went back into my room and began to sob almost immediately. Why?
I remembered the dream again, and then I knew in a way, I would have to get ready for that.
Kingsley and I met in a restaurant the following month. We were not talking anymore, all of a sudden… and we were not at loggerheads either.
“I got admission to study in Japan”, Kingsley began.
I was elated that he was finally picked to go to Japan for his studies, though I wondered why he would go to Japan of all places, I didn’t ask why.
“That’s amazing, Kingsley”, I replied as I held his hand. He removed it almost immediately, and I was furious again. Why would he keep pushing me away? I was confused, and I didn’t know what to do.
“K, please talk to me…. What is wrong?”
“Anike”, he began as he began to cry. “It’s complicated”.
“Talk to me baby, I really want to hear you”
He looked up and our eyes jammed. I could see the fear in his eyes. I was curious to know what was wrong with him”.
“Babe, I had cancer…”
No wonder he was going to Japan. No wonder he suddenly stopped coming to see me. His hair was falling off, and he lied that he put one yeye activator on it. No wonder he suddenly became scared of touching me. Little wonder…. No wonder…. He lied about schooling in Japan. Why?
I began to sob under my breath. “Why didn’t you tell me K?” I asked angrily. “You’ve been lying to me…”
“I didn’t want to hurt you, babe. I didn’t want to hurt you…. It was all too much. Mum was suggesting I impregnate a girl, just in case I do not survive” We sobbed for a while as we held hands. I didn’t care if we were in a public place…. didn’t care. Just wanted to cry! I looked at him with so much pity. I became lost for words…
We began to discuss his plans. He said he would go to Japan for chemotherapy and then stay there to heal for a while. He said he loved me and that we were going to work through the distance. I was so excited for him. Going to a new land was definitely going to be exciting. I began to pray that God would see him through the chemo. The night he was leaving, I wailed like a cat. I cried like never before. It was just a pity I couldn’t kiss him in front of his parents (LOL).
His travelling- for me, was the eventual death of what we shared because he never came back.
And that was the beginning of finding myself because I thought I could never live without him… but I see God strengthening me daily, and making me see that He is the only one I will not be able to live without. Kingsley’s death definitely broke my heart. I didn’t think I would find anyone better… but I could see now that the only way I could find myself was by seeing myself through the eyes of Yahweh, and not through the eyes of a guy I had idolized in my heart, or people whose opinions I cared so deeply about…
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Written by Oyinkansola Ige
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