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SHADOWS #10 (Final Episode)

shadows
Dad passed on the following day.
Don’t ask me how I felt.
It is in losing a loved one that see that there indeed is a difference between breathing and living. That someone is breathing is no sign that the person truly lived.
For dad, I don’t think he truly lived. Because he didn’t want to die…He was in tears all through.
Good enough, mum invited the church pastor to come pray for Him. I hoped God would accept him into the kingdom (dad) as he prayed the prayer of confession.
But dad’s death reminded me that I had another chance to get it right and straighten out my priorities. I had another chance…that dad did not have. To repent and to sincerely ask God for help… Mum asked me if I wanted to leave Covenant University, and I said no. I told her I would go back and face Lekan and whoever my past was linked to. Running away would mean that I did not believe that God could use my life to change the lives of others.
The next day, dad was buried and we all cried out our eyes. Most people thought the accident must have cost him his life. I think he died because…. I don’t know…he didn’t just have another chance to re-live.
I saw Lekan, and my anger rose… coincidentally, he came with Sola. I was surprised to see them, so as small chops and tea was going round, I decided to just say hello.
“Hi there”, I said as I walked up to them.
The both smiled at me… like they knew they owed me an apology for different reasons.
“Hey”, Lekan replied as he stood up to hug me. We hugged and all I wanted to do was beat the life out of him for bringing me so much pain. But I remember something that dropped in my heart on the day dad died.
‘No one truly brings you pain…no one brings you joy…life is just a harbinger of all things…ugly and beautiful, joyful and painful. But we must strive to find a balance in these two extremes, and see beauty in the ugliest of situations’
“I am so sorry for everything”, Lekan said, as we walked together, through the pathway of the garden where dad was buried (all these rich people that can afford private cemeteries).
“It’s okay Lekkie, I just wish you had been more open with me…”
“I know,” Lekan replied. “Sola knew I was seeing someone, and that’s why she wasn’t happy that I was seeing you at the same time”.
I didn’t understand why Sola would take it so personal, until Lekan explained to me
“Your dad was the one who helped our parents out by sponsoring our education..”
But I thought they were rich o!
“Dad and Mum had issues with their business, so dad offered to help. I was asked to go to his office to collect our first cheque. On getting there, of course, your dad was pleased to see me. He asked me to sit, as he offered me a glass of whiskey. I accepted it of course, and took it all at once”.
We sat down on a bench and I continued to listen to him.
“Before he gave me the cheque, he asked me if I was in a relationship. I was just about entering CU that time. I told him no. He then began to touch my beards and he sat beside me”
He looked at me with so much…hurt; I knew there had to be more.
“He began to kiss me. I tried to run from his grip, but it seemed so hard. He kissed me forcefully as he began to unzip my trousers. Through all these, he said he would take care of me. When my strength failed, I just allowed him have his way…”
“So, he forced you at first?”
“Many times… When I threatened to leave, he asked me if I wanted to quit schooling too. He threatened to withdraw all forms of benevolence…”
“Oh. My,”, I replied sadly. “So…you just gave in?”
“Yes, I gave in. I knew it was wrong by all standards. I wanted to be normal. To not be attracted to guys…but it got worse when I and your dad went into it full fledge. All of a sudden, it rose desires in me that I never knew were there…”
I was crying now. “What do we do, Lekan?”
“I and Sola have decided to give our lives to Christ..”
Oh that’s good.
“But my parents say they cannot afford my fees, now that our benefactor is dead. So I may have to defer my admission”
Tears welled up my face. “Isn’t there something that can be done?” I asked as I held his hand.
“No…there is nothing that can be done. Its either I get genuine help, or I don’t get any help at all”, Lekan said.
We continued to talk all through. I noticed Sola would glance at us severally. I decided I was going to talk to her later on.
Everyone left the venue in the evening. It was a dark day. The rains didn’t make it even better. But I was grateful that it was all coming to an end. I saw mum and Gbemi sitting together and holding hands.
“Mum…Gbemi, what’s going on?” I asked as I sat down in their middle.
“Nothing”, Mum replied. We just relish being beside each other and all.
“There’s nothing to worry about”, Gbemi replied. “All the things that have happened to us makes me realize how much of God we need in this family”.
Biodun walked in almost immediately. He had been busy stacking chairs and running around, to make sure dad was buried in grand style. Immediately he saw mum, he broke down. Mum ran to hug him. As I heard him cry, I could hear the heartbreak…the pain in his voice. I knew he and dad were not so close, so I guess he needed worthy father figures now.
I got up, so did Gbemi… we all went to hug them.
And we cried…we knew that our tears were not wasted because they were sincere tears, straight from our hearts to God…for mercy and for help with our weaknesses. It could have been worse.
But God gave us what we could bear. We could bare this one…

EPILOGUE

Things got better the following year. Lekan dropped out of CU and he started working in a building firm. Things got better, as he was able to enroll in UNILAG to study business administration. Luckily, UNILAG allowed him start from 300 level. That was fair enough.
I and Sola became closer. Till today, no one understands what bond we share. We pray together, talk about our struggles together. Struggling with lesbianism taught me that accountability was and is one of the most important characteristics of victorious living. We just have to be accountable to someone…
Mum and Gbemi became more like mother and daughter than rivals. The baby began to grow, such a beautiful baby… and Mum was excited. Till date, they still take their anti-retroviral drugs (thank God for life).
Biodun began to come home more often. Some days we would all sit and listen to Jenzenten Franklin and Francis Chan on Daystar Television. We prayed together, and I knew God heard us, even if it didn’t seem like that most of the time. Biodun and Lekan began a class for guys who were struggling with homosexualism and wanted to get out. It became one of the foremost Christian gatherings in Lagos. The men would pray and read books, they would even spur one another and share their struggles with each other. Little by little, they are getting healed and delivered.
Things got better for me. I got closer to God, and I admitted that God didn’t want me to live as a lesbian, irrespective of what pop-culture said. He wants me to live as His child, His ambassador. I decided to be steadfast in the Word Study group and I also joined the hospitality group. Somehow…God was faithful.
And He is still faithful.
I still struggle. But now it’s better because God would not allow me to have something more than I can bear. I live in victory and in the realization that God…is …FAITHFUL.

Yours-IN-Christ,
Remilekun.

AUTHOR’S NOTE

I do not usually do this, but I just feel the need to reach out to people who may be struggling with lesbianism or homosexualism. I have a close friend who battles with this and she still does sometimes. Some days, all she wants to do is to just have sex, and that is it. For her, the reason why she is still a virgin is that she doesn’t want to let her husband down….
That’s not the issue for today though.
There is no sin God cannot forgive. NO SIN. But how much are you willing to be set free? Some days, you think you should be the victim of life always. You want to be the one who life is giving heavy blows. So that people can pity you? It doesn’t have to be so.
We have been called to live victorious lives. Victory over sin! Including lust and all its forms. We can. We can do it.
In my personal struggle with lust, I can tell you a lot. I can tell you that some days it’s hard. Other days it’s easy. It takes extra grace for me to turn down requests from male friends when they ask me to come to visit them at home. I am not scared of them. I am scared of me. I know where I struggle. Don’t deceive yourself. Be plain with yourself. Admit it, you are struggling.It is only in the humility of our hearts that we will find God.
I have a book I want to recommend though. “Sex is not the problem, Lust is” by Joshua Harris. It is a worthy read. It helped me when I was going through a tough period last year. I am too sure it will help you too. And you find it hard to move on because you feel cheated, I think “Embrace the pain, release the joy” by Michelle Mckinney Hammond is a worthy read for you. It will help… But there has to be a desire.
Remi, Sola, Lekan and Biodun along with Remi’s father struggled. However, Remi’s father didn’t have another chance to make it right. You do. You are breathing. You are reading this blog. There is another chance NOW. Make it right. Please make it right. No one said life would be easy and free from struggles. But in Christ, we are “more than conquerors”. You don’t have to lose your legs before you realize you need to get it right, It doesn’t have to be wrong to be right. Make it right….NOW.
I could say more, but I’d rather stop here. Thanks for reading. Remember; you don’t have to be ashamed that you are struggling with one form of sin or the other. SIN is SIN. There is no condemnation for us as Christians. NO CONDEMNATION! That’s why Christ came to die for us. To set us free. Don’t let the devil CHEAT you. Open up. And He (God) will fill you up!

Yours In Christ,
Oyinkansola Ige.

THE END 

🙁

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finding meFrom the author of SHADOWS, read this intriguing story series titled FINDING ME, click HERE

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STORIES,

SHADOWS #9

The next few days were grueling for me.
I told mum what I saw and… she didn’t seem surprised.
“Remi, this is what I was trying to tell you that day”, she said as she cut the tomatoes while I broke the eggs into a bowl.
“Mum, what’s going to happen now?” I asked as I whisked the eggs and looked at her.
Mum looked really sad. I just wish there was something I could do about it.

Pray

There was nothing to pray about, it was a closed case already.

Pray.

“Mum, do you pray?” I asked as I looked at her face. Mum rinsed her hands and brought out the frying pan.
“Of course I do, Remi. Prayer changes things. It may not look like it in the physical, but trust me God is working the most when we cannot see…”
She began frying the eggs while I looked at her. I wanted to tell her I was struggling, but I didn’t know how to.
“Is there something you want to tell me Remi?” she asked as she looked at me while the eggs were simmering on the low heat fire.
“No…no mum”, I stammered. She looked at me with her piercing eyes. I had a feeling she knew, but I wasn’t too sure.
“Biodun came to me the other day, and he told me he was struggling with masturbation”, Mum said. As calmly as she sounded, she sounded angry still. “So if you need to tell me something, please do. Let’s trash this out in prayer. There is nothing God cannot do”

I am God. Is there anything too hard for Me?

I didn’t think God had a role to play in this. I felt I had to be the one to change. I had to discipline myself. I felt it was going to have to be a self-help effort. What did God have to do with these struggles that seemed to have become hereditary?
“Ma, I struggle with everything,” I said as tears began to fall from my eyes. “I am not perfect ma, I don’t think I am useful, or I am going to be great. I feel like a failure Mum…. I mean girls my age are keeping themselves for their husbands, they find it easy to…but it’s the most difficult thing in the world for me, mum.”
My Mum was crying now.
“Why didn’t you tell me since, Remi?” She asked as she held my hand.
“I didn’t know how to, mum…it seemed like I was the only one”
We sat at the kitchen table as we organized breakfast. Luckily, Gbemi had taken the baby to the clinic so it was just mum and I in the house that day.

“Remi, I had Biodun before I married your father. Grandpa was a pastor and grandma was a deaconess at church. They were banned from the church because I got pregnant, and grandpa sent me out of the house. I had to come stay with your daddy for the main time”, mum said as tears trickled down her face.
I looked intently at her. I couldn’t believe mum had faced so much. If I knew, I would have told her earlier. Sometimes, we open up to people who are willing to open up to us and will not make us ashamed….if only the church was like that.
“Your daddy and I lived together till I had Biodun. In that period, your dad would leave me at home for days and go on his escapades.          I would stay at home, crying out my eyes. The doctor advised that I watch it so I don’t lose the baby”.
I was lost. She knew dad was this way and she stayed? Why?

“When I found out he was bisexual and I had to make a decision. I had to either stay or leave. Grandma advised me to do whatever was in my interest. I was tired of the stigma. I didn’t want to be a single mum. Grandpa had been through a lot of ridicule. I had to save his face…so I decided to marry him”, she said with sadness written all over her face.
I remembered a book I read. There was something striking the author said.

our pasts are like shadows, the consequences are ever following us, from the bud stage to the tree stage”.

I could see the shadows now. Dad and mum made poor choices and the shadows were definitely with us. Coupled with my own shadowy past, I wonder what the world held for my own children.
“Remi”, Mum called as she held my hand. “From this minute, you have to make a decision that you want to either please God or please yourself.”
“Mum, but where do I begin”
“Begin from your heart Remi. There’s no point hiding anything from Him. He knows it all, Remi. And he is not Man. He will forgive you if you ask. You haven’t even talked to Him yet and you’re making conclusions that he will not use you.”
Mum got up immediately. There was this strange peace about her; I couldn’t place a finger on it.
Later that night, I was alone in my room. I continued to look at the ceiling. The urges to open my laptop came strongly. I didn’t want to…I wanted to cry, think and pray for myself.
Come to me”.
His voice was like that of a thousand clouds. Soft yet strong.
I began to walk towards Him. As I did, I began to see scary shadows all around me. I saw myself, when I and Sola made out, I saw myself when I masturbated, I saw myself when I lied and stole. As I focused on the shadows, I got weaker and weaker and weaker.
“Remilekun, look at me”, He said, with tears in His eyes.
“I am trying Lord”, I replied as the shadows began to develop hands to hold me. I struggled and struggled.
“Use what is in your hand”
I looked at my hand and saw a sword. It was very tiny, but as I used it to scare them away, they went miles away from me. I continued to do that as the shadows scampered away. I cried as I landed in His arms. I felt so…protected that very minute.
“Remilekun, stop trying. Allow Me do this. Allow Me help you”….”allow Me”

And I woke up. Strangely when I woke up, I felt the strangest urge to masturbate again. I began to cry in anger. I knew that things were not meant to be this way. I knew I could be better. I knew God wanted me to be better than how I was. I began to cry…
Because I realized how much I was cheating myself and how much I was denying myself of God’s love.
It was obvious.
I had to let go of the shadows. One by one…
With the shadows out of the way…it would only get better.
I looked beside me, and behold…
It was a brand new Bible…Pink with ruffles and diamonds. I was sure it was mum that got it for me. The Bible. The sword. It was all making sense…
As I continued to think, Mum dashed into my room. Her eyes were red and she looked scattered.
“Your dad just had an accident. Dress up, we need to get to the hospital”, she said as she cried.
And I…I whispered “Lord, help us

* * *

Continue to Episode 10 HERE

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Episode 1 HERE

Episode 2 HERE

Episode 3 HERE

Episode 4 HERE

Episode 5 HERE

Episode 6 HERE

Episode 7 HERE

Episode 8 HERE

Written by Oyinkansola Ige

* * *

From the author of SHADOWS, read this intriguing story series titled FINDING ME, click HERE

* * *

Thank you for dropping by, hope you’ll leave a comment also ;). 

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STORIES,

SHADOWS #8

I ran into dad’s office.
And well, I was surprised to see his trousers on the floor, along with his belt and his boxers.
So I guessed he was pooing… (All these rich men with restrooms like palaces)…
Until I started hearing voices in the restroom…
Seriously, I began to wonder…

what’s the worst that could happen? Maybe he was cheating…again…with another woman. After two wives?

But some men are shameless sha. I decided to peep in through the keyhole. But oh! Well, the keyhole was not so…holish.
So I locked the door of the office, just in case the secretary wanted to send me out. I was hell-bent on seeing who dad was with.                     I wanted him to see that I knew he had been cheating long before I was born and that I was finally seeing his real self.
The door opened…and someone rushed out giggling like a girl, with dad running after him…both naked….
They saw me and they froze. I saw them…and I wanted to die.
It was dad… and Lekan….

BREAK BREAK BREAK!

I picked my bag immediately and left the office. There was no need to say anything. If the two people I respected because of their walk with God were going through what I was going through, then I wasn’t so bad. The world had a problem, not me. I continued to wonder…how Lekan could be gay yet he judged me? How dad could be bisexual and yet he would wake up every morning and call us out for devotion? I wasn’t too sure I could even talk about it….

Oh…I even forgot the snacks in his office. The office of the bisexual of all times…My dad…

“Babe, how far?” Gbemi asked as I walked in crying. She came and hugged me immediately. We stood there for five minutes crying like children.
“What’s wrong, Remi?”
“I…I don’t know anymore…” I replied. “I am confused. I am going mad…
“You found out, didn’t you?” Gbemi asked as she went to check on the baby. I wanted to scream. Was I the only one in the house who didn’t know dad was gay?
“You knew?” I asked her in anger.
“Yes, I did, and I thought you knew too”.
I began to cry again. “No, I didn’t know, how could I have known dad was gay?”
Gbemi’s facial expression changed immediately. “What?” she asked as tears welled up in her face.

“Wait …wait…”, I stammered as I began to laugh. “What were you talking about?” I asked as I looked at her in anger…again. Could it even get worse?
“Never mind, let dad get…”
“Gbemi what is it?” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “What is going on in this house?” I asked as I began to whimper and walk up and down, looking like a lost puppy.
Gbemi sat down and began to breastfeed the baby. I sat down beside her as she continued to cry like a child. “I am so sad, right now…I just wish…I just wish I could turn back the hands of time….”
She stopped as mum walked in with teary eyes too. I was going to faint. Why was mum crying now? Why is everybody in this house crying?
Mum sat down and brought out some drugs from her bag. She gave one of the packs to Gbemi and held one as she cried profusely. Gbemi went and sat beside her and they hugged each other and continued to cry. Through all these, I was still more confused than they all….I just found out my boyfriend and my dad was gay…what could be worse?
I stood up and went straight into my room. I sat down and continued to cry.
“Jesus, what am I going to do right now?”
I continued to cry as I looked for my bible. I forgot it in school. Just remembered…
I continued to cry and cry as I sat on the floor. Then I remembered the words of my old friend in secondary school, Kimbo.

When life hits you hard, God will lift you up…only if you let Him…

I am trying to struggle with lesbianism on my own…is that why I have been more frustrated than I was before? Was I trying too hard? I had to stop…I wanted to be pure…but now I could see the truth.
That I couldn’t be pure by myself.
I couldn’t overcome sin on my own.
I couldn’t overcome lust on my own.
I couldn’t survive on my own.
My family wouldn’t move forward without God….
And I couldn’t either.
I knelt down and prayed…. I didn’t pray. I cried out.
“Lord, it’s so hard for me. The way I feel when I am with a girl, I like. The way my body reacts when a guy touches me. The porn. I can’t stop on my own, Lord….and I feel so weak, Lord….”… I continued to cry. I felt so…alone. So left out.
I didn’t think God could use someone like me…to do anything. With all the make-outs I had engaged in with different guys and girls, would they even believe me if I said I was born again? I sat on the floor and just continued to mope. I couldn’t even process it anymore. What was more shocking was that I had no one to talk to…
Brother Biodun…was in school.
Mum was crying.
Gbemi was crying too.
Dad…was probably still with Lekan…
And Lekan…Arrrrghhh!

I stayed in my room throughout the day. I heard dad walk in…he wouldn’t dare come to my room. I didn’t tell mum anything, I guess mum already knew sef…
Around nine in the night, I felt the strangest need to get to the parlour. I got up and went to the parlour like a zombie. I sat on the longest cushion and put on the television where “Scandal” was showing. That Olivia Pope girl sha. I continued to stare…trust me, I wasn’t concentrating. I looked down, and I saw one of mum’s drug packets on the floor. I picked it and tried to understand what was written on it.

Anti-retroviral tablets…blab la bla.
Antiretroviral tablets!!!

My head began to spin. I became…dazed and I then got why my mum was crying.
Mum had AIDS….so did Gbemi…
And I…I was …speechless.

* * *

Continue to Episode 9 HERE

* * *

Episode 1 HERE

Episode 2 HERE

Episode 3 HERE

Episode 4 HERE

Episode 5 HERE

Episode 6 HERE

Episode 7 HERE

Written by Oyinkansola Ige

* * *

From the author of SHADOWS, read this intriguing story series titled FINDING ME, click HERE

* * *

Thank you for dropping by, hope you’ll leave a comment also ;). 

Do remember to subscribe with your email so as to get every post directly in your email box

 

STORIES,

SHADOWS #7

My legs began to wobble under me. For the life of me, I didn’t think that Shola would be around. Lekan said she travelled over the weekend.
For the first time in my life, I knew I was in deep shit because I didn’t think Shola had forgiven me for breaking up with her and for leaving her even when she was expelled.

“I can’t believe this”, she began, as her eyes were turning bloodshot red. “What the flip is going on here brother Lekan?” She asked as she looked at him, she so totally ignored me. I felt like I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. I wish I had told Lekan the truth. I wish I was open about my struggles. Now Shola would paint me bad and he would probably not want to see me again.
“Nothing, Shola”, Lekan replied. “Remi came to visit me…is there a problem with that?”
Shola looked at me and the look in her eyes said one thing.

Revenge!

“Remi, I warned you to leave my brother alone, didn’t I? You slut. You don’t seem to get it, do you? My brother is not interested in your kind…”
“Shut up Shola. Don’t talk to her like that”, Lekan shouted as he got up. His hands were shaking now. I had never seen him that way in my entire life. He looked so… mad…and I was so petrified. I only prayed for a means of escape.

Lord Jesus, if I ever need You, it’s now.

 As they continued to argue, my mind began to race back to times when I had masturbated, when I had been consumed in my own lusts. I began to shed tears little by little. I wanted to be set free. Deep inside I wish it didn’t have to be this way…I wish I could…I could just live my life in peace. I felt like I was in a cage, and all my self-efforts proved futile.

Turn to Him and you will be saved….

“Are you deaf?”
I looked up and saw Lekan looking at me. He looked… puzzled. I was so unaware of what was going on, I wondered what Shola had told him.
“Ask her”, Shola said in anger. “This one, nothing good can ever come out of her. Pervert oshi!”
She hissed immediately and went into her room. I and Lekan stared at each other for a while. He was trying to process whatever it was that Shola told him… I was ready to tell him the truth. I didn’t need him thinking I was hiding anything from him.
“Remi…is it true?” He asked as his hands shook. His eyes were red now…I wasn’t sure if it was from tears unshed or from the anger he felt in his heart towards me. “Are you a lesbian?”
I began to sob quietly as I nodded my head. Lekan sat down and began to cry. I wasn’t sure why he was crying. I didn’t even know how to pacify him. I tried holding him, but he shoved my hand from his… I just had to keep quiet.

“You…You should…have told me Remi”, he said as he wiped tears off his face. I was still puzzled as to why he was crying. I was supposed to be the one crying here, begging him not to leave me. But he was hurt because I was a lesbian? Did he really love me that much?
We didn’t say much after. He just continued to stare at me with…. I don’t know…but maybe disappointment was what I could see in his eyes. I just wanted to leave. I felt so dirty.

Pervert Oshi!

Those words continually rang in my ears. I wanted to just end it all….
I carried my bag almost immediately and rushed out of his house. I sort of expected him to chase me…
But he didn’t. And that was when I knew…I was alone.

I woke up the next morning on my bed. It was hard to understand why… why I was a lesbian. I derived pleasure from girls, and from guys too. My mind had played so many tricks on me, and pornography had become second nature to me. I could play and replay scenes of porn in my head every day. It never occurred to me till now that I was headed for somewhere not too good. I wanted to get out, but I didn’t know what to do. I was tired of praying because each time I prayed, I would go back anyway, and repeat the same action again. I just needed to talk to someone.
After much contemplation, I decided to go see dad in his office, hoping he would have an idea of any counselor that I could talk to about everything. I wore my clothes sharply and as I headed down the stairs, I met Gbemi breastfeeding the baby. She looked at me once and immediately I sense she knew something was wrong. But as mature as I knew she was, I knew she wouldn’t ask abruptly.
“I am going to dad’s office” I said as I opened the door leading to the courtyard.”
“Have you called him?” She asked with a look of concern on her face.
“Naa, no need to dear. I’ll be back”.

I was on bike as thoughts on everything came heavy on me. I knew it was not normal to be like this, I mean, I felt like I was the only one with sexuality issues in the world. Everyone in my service unit believed sex outside marriage was wrong, not to talk of lesbianism. It was my deepest, darkest secret, and now…Lekan knew and…he hadn’t called me since yesterday.
I got to dad’s office and asked to see him. The secretary told me to hold on, that he was busy and didn’t want to see anyone. Of course, I knew dad would want to see me. I sat and waited for an opportunity to get into the office with the snacks and drinks I got him from Sweet Sensation. The Secretary got up ten minutes later and went into a smaller room I suspected was the toilet. As she closed the door, I ran into dad’s office.
What I saw…changed my life…till today…till…forever.

* * *

Continue to Episode 8 HERE

* * *

Episode 1 HERE

Episode 2 HERE

Episode 3 HERE

Episode 4 HERE

Episode 5 HERE

Episode 5 HERE

Written by Oyinkansola Ige

* * *

From the author of SHADOWS, read this intriguing story series titled FINDING ME, click HERE

* * *

Thank you for dropping by, hope you’ll leave a comment also ;). 

Do remember to subscribe with your email so as to get every post directly in your email box

 

STORIES,

SHADOWS #6

Thank goodness.
It was the date day.
I was so excited. I hadn’t prayed about it because I didn’t think it was a necessity to pray, I mean… it’s a relationship, not marriage.
That’s true, I didn’t even gist you… Gbemi came to my room last night like she wanted to talk. I honestly did not feel like talking to her, honestly, I did not. But mum said it would be nice if I started talking to her and blah! Bla!

“Hi…” she said, as she carried Baby Jomo. He was the cutest baby ever, I smiled at him and then I forced a smile at her.
She sat down almost immediately, even without me asking her to.
“I came to talk to you, Remi…” she said as she looked intently into my eyes. I was getting distracted already because I really wanted to sleep before my big date. But she was my step mum and I couldn’t afford to disrespect her, so…
“Okay”. I replied as I smiled. For some strange reason, I didn’t exactly hate her like I said I did earlier. I was not just happy with the situation. I just wish…. If wishes were horses…

“I am not a bad woman, Remi”, she said as tears began to stream from her eyes. “ Things are not as they seem”, she said, as she wiped the tears off her face. I collected Jomo from her as she was weeping, and I patted her shoulder.
“Why my dad?” I asked like she was some witch from the skies, LOOL.
“It wasn’t supposed to be so, Remi”, she replied as she looked at me again. I felt this sharp… sharp pain in my chest. I felt like there was more to this than dad and mum presented it, I just wasn’t too sure.
“You can talk to me anytime,” I replied and smiled at her. I held her hand like she was my own sister. I asked her about her family. It was then I found out that she was an orphan. I felt really sad for her. I don’t know what my life would be like if I lost my own parents. We chatted for a while, and I told her about my big date.
“Is he cute?” she asked.

I was about to open my laptop to show her his picture when we began to perceive some terrible smell. I looked down and realized that Jomo had pooed on me. He was laughing now, and I began to laugh. Gbemi seemed uneasy at first, but when she saw I was laughing, she began to laugh too. She carried him almost immediately and stood up abruptly.
“I must go now”, she said as she smiled at me. “Thanks so much for accepting me as your friend”.
I smiled back at her, genuinely as I could. “You are welcome”.

The big date came and I was so excited. Gbemi helped me to style my hair and she helped me select what cloth to wear. I was going to wear jeans at first, but she picked a pink flowery gown with some black flats.
“Have fun okay?”
“Yes”, I replied. “I will sweetheart.”
“When will you be back?” Gbemi asked. She really looked concerned, but I was too excited to ask.
“By evening na, it’s just to hangout with him and come back. Besides, he’s a really nice guy”.
We both laughed again and I hugged her and left for ICM. The parents and bro were not at home so…no questions asked.
I got to ICM and sat at the KFC side. I was hoping he would see me, and I didn’t want to call him. Fortunately, he walked into the KFC restaurant. What a coincidence. This was definitely meant to be.

We saw and immediately, I saw how bright his eyes became. I was so excited, my heart was in my throat and I could feel goosebumps all over my body. We hugged each other immediately, and strangely, I was actually excited to see him. After ordering for some chicken and ice cream, we sat down and began to say sweet nothings to each other.
“Remi, I am in love with you”, he said, as he held my hand and played with my thumb. I smiled like a baby and looked into his eyes intently.
“Same here Lekan”, I replied. Even if I didn’t have a clue of what love meant but I was willing to give it a try. I only hoped that by being in a relationship, my lesbian tendencies would reduce. I would be able to have sex normally, and all…like normal girls do.
“Let’s do this babe. Let us go on with life together. I want us to be together, you know…”
I put my finger on his lips and smiled again. “I am all yours, Lekan”.
It felt like a new flower just broke out of its bud. I was happy. In a relationship. I felt being with him would help me with my sexual orientation. I wasn’t sure if he was sexually active, but I was sure that I wanted him for myself.

We went into the cinemas and watched “30 days in Atlanta”. It was a funny movie. At the end, where the four characters were walking into the airport to board the plane, he looked at me and smiled.
“We will hold hands like this forever, Remilekun”.
So….I was in a relationship. Apart from the feeling of being wanted by someone, I felt a deep fear too. What ifs began to cross my mind. I became scared all of a sudden. What if I am wrong? What if I made the wrong decision? What if he’s not mine? What if he leaves? I still didn’t feel the need to pray about it…. I was going to have to handle it myself…
That night, I imagined him in bed with me and I began to masturbate…again. This time, I cried as I did because I knew it was wrong… but I found it so hard to stop. As I cried, I opened my laptop and decided to just watch porn again…just to get thoughts of God off my mind. As I watched it, I still felt so much guilt bathed in pleasure.

It wasn’t as easy as I thought…. And the burden seemed weighty and heavy to bear. And I couldn’t talk about it because I didn’t want to be judged by anyone.
The next morning, dad came to check up on me. He had been avoiding me for a while, I guess he felt guilty and all…He walked in as I woke up and sat on my bed. I sat up immediately and looked at him, wondering what he wanted.
“Remi, I know you are angry with me”, he said softly.
“Yes, daddy, I am. You hurt mum and me”
“It was a mistake…”
“It’s okay, dad”, I cut in. “I am not upset anymore”, I said as I smiled. I smiled because thoughts of Lekan waltzed through my mind. All I could do was think of him…Holding me and doing all that… *chuckles*. Dad and I hugged immediately and he gave me some money and asked me to do anything I wanted to do with it. Of course… I would go on dates with Lekan.

I and Lekan saw every other day. We would meet up at his place most of the time. Luckily, Shola was hardly around. I wondered what would happen if she found out, but I was going to enjoy the moments with him. We would watch movies and cuddle on the sofa. We would look into each other’s’ eyes and laugh. I would have loved to kiss him, but I wanted him to kiss me first, LOOL…so I didn’t push it in any way.
However, he did something that made me super scared.
We were eating suya with a bottle of red wine one evening like that. I looked into his eyes and well…
“Why don’t you want to kiss me?” I asked intently.
He looked at me and smiled, and I wondered what was so funny.
“Remi, I do not want to kiss or touch anyone until I am married”, he said. We continued eating, and I knew he wanted to ask me a question. I simply waited for him to ask.
“Are you a virgin?” He asked me as he looked into my eyes, again.
And I wanted to faint…because I was nothing close to being chaste. Even if I may have never had sex with a guy, I wasn’t his ideal “babe”….and that was my ish….
And then…my past came calling…as Shola walked in on two of us…

* * *

Continue to Episode 7 HERE

* * *

Episode 1 HERE

Episode 2 HERE

Episode 3 HERE

Episode 4 HERE

Episode 5 HERE

Written by Oyinkansola Ige

* * *

From the author of SHADOWS, read this intriguing story series titled FINDING ME, click HERE

* * *

Thank you for dropping by, hope you’ll leave a comment also ;). 

Do remember to subscribe with your email so as to get every post directly in your email box

 

STORIES,

SHADOWS #5

But the holidays didn’t go as I expected.
The tension all over the house was real. I could sense it everywhere. Dad seemed too scared to tell me (He didn’t have an idea that I already knew). Mum was too sad to even sit me down and ask what was going on in my life (I could have made do with some advice here and there).

Brother Biodun was just so…recluse. I wonder why. Was he as sad as I was or was there something more? And Gbemi…Gbemi just distanced herself from me and gave me distant smiles. Oh…I hated her for the pain she brought to my family. How could she? Why did she? She knew he was a married man, and yet… she allowed him…Oh Gosh…
And here I was…struggling with my own dark side. Everything around me was crumbling (so I thought), and my life was just a death away. It felt like I was a moving corpse. Wake up. Bath. Eat. Chat on BBM. Eat. Read a novel. Watch TV. Gossip with the girls. Eat. Clean my room. Pray…sometimes. Sleep. Wake Up. Robotic stuff.

“What are you going to do now?”, Lekan asked me, as we spoke over the phone later that day.
“I don’t know oh”, I replied as my voice shook. Scared, I was so petrified. I needed a real shoulder to cry on, and it seemed like no one was there. Or rather, there was a knowing in my gut that God was listening but I chose not to believe. I just… chose not to believe.
“Remilekun…”, he called. Whenever he called my full name, I knew he was going to say something mushy. So my ears were ready to hear mushy stuff already. “I wish I was there with you..”

*faints*!

“Do you really mean that?” I asked with the curiosity of a child. I mean these days words could be used inappropriately. For instance, someone could say “I Love you” when she really means “I need you to help me do the dishes”, and a guy could say “I love you” when he means “this your figure makes me go ga-ga”. Sometimes, one just has to be sure. So I wanted to be sure…                                                      “Yes I do”, Lekan replied as I heard him breathing like a child. I could almost feel his heartbeat. At that point, I wish he were with me.
“Can’t we meet up somewhere?” I asked without thinking about the implications of what I said. All these brothers in the Lord, one cannot easily predict them. Neither can they be trusted. No one can be trusted. I knew that too well.“Yes, we can”, Lekan replied. He sounded excited. I wasn’t excited. I was horny. And it takes God’s grace to tell the difference between your heart and your body…God’s grace…which I didn’t think I had.

We decided there and then to meet at the Ikeja City Mall. At least, being with him would distract me a little, and make me forget all the wahala at home. I began to make preparations almost immediately for a date that was due the next Saturday. I liked Lekan like that 🙂
As I was lying on my bed that night when mum came in abruptly. There were tears in her eyes. She locked the door behind her and came to hug me. I was so confused…I didn’t know whether to hug her back or to pat her back. Anyway, I hugged her and she cried and cried like a baby.
After she finished crying and all, she looked at me intently.
“Remi”, I am at fault as much as your father is…”
“Mum”, I whispered as I held her close. “Don’t blame yourself”.

“Remilekun, marriage is a journey. Don’t rush in…you’ll go through it whichever ways”, she said as she sniffed and catarrh came out from her nose. I gave her my pink handkerchief, and I watched her clean her nose.
“I had always known your dad was having an affair…”, mum said.
“You did?” , I asked with so much shock.
“Yes”, she replied. “I was going to see your dad in his house while we were still dating. One day, I went as usual.” She stopped and looked at me intently again. I knew something was wrong.
“I got into the house”, mum continued, “and I heard sounds from the bathroom”. Her eyes were red again, but I decided not to say anything or hug her. I wanted her to finish her story.
“I was shocked. I…I knew he was going to cheat anyway…all men cheat somehow …”
She continued to sniff. Although I didn’t believe that all men cheat, I chose not to argue with her. Some things are better left unsaid.
“I entered the bathroom…and I saw your dad with another person…”
I told her to stop immediately. I begged her to stop immediately. We both began to cry again.
“Mum”, I called.” Why did you stay?” I asked. “You could have broken up with his sorry ass mum… you deserve a man who will make you happy”

“Remilekun, that’s the thing. I relied so much on him making me happy, that when he made me sad, I had to make sure he made me happy again” Now I see…it is only God who makes happy…”
She got up almost immediately. “Remi, if there is anything you ever want to talk about, I am always here, okay?”
She kissed my forehead and left the room almost immediately.
I lay down on my bed… And I wanted to pray but…the words didn’t just come out.
So I slept.

I was in a tunnel. A deep one. It smelt filthy and full of so much yucky stuff. I was itchy all over and my whole body craved for a bath. I was irritated at myself and could almost kill myself. A man in a black suit came and looked at me from above. “Remi, Remi. You are nothing but a cheap slut…and this tunnel, this right here, is where people like you belong”. He threw stones at me and I began to cry and wail. I began to shout Lekan’s name immediately.
I screamed and screamed and screamed until someone like him surfaced. “Remi, why are you shouting my name?” he asked. “Come and save me”, I replied. He looked at me and began to laugh. As he laughed, he transformed into a figure…half man, half horse. And then he was holding a stick. “I am not here to save you, I am here to take away your faith…everything that makes you breathe”. All of a sudden, I began to feel dizzy, like someone was sucking out my very life. I fainted in the tunnel…and…”
I woke up from sleep. It was just 3 am. The dream felt so real. I was sweating all over. Coincidentally as I looked at myself with my heart beating fast, I got a message from Lekan.

Love grows with time, Remilekun. And with you, I am willing to take all the time in the world. I am willing to waste my life for you. I love you and I cannot wait to see you. Love, Leks”.

I dropped my phone and I began to cry like a puppy. I felt lost. Confused and blind. I knew the dream was trying to say something, but I wasn’t sure. And I didn’t know what to do.

I am here

It came like a flashing voice. Tiny…but I knew a voice when I heard one. And that voice was real.
Since I couldn’t sleep again, I decided to play around with my laptop. I had been hearing gist about a young girl, Jamie Grace who God was using in the gospel ministry. I decided to try out one of her songs. You should try it too. I clicked on it. “COME TO ME”….
“Come to me with your weary….I’ll give you hope when you’re hurting…Rest from your burden”
I knew that had to be me. Because I needed a place to lay my head and cry. I needed to stop thinking about porn. To stop wanting sex so bad. I needed to stop hating and cursing and blaming. I needed…a

You need me”.

 That night I knelt down, and all I could do was cry.
Fortunately, crying was all I needed to do because, after that, I fell asleep.
And the sleep was peaceful. Very peaceful…

Continue to Episode 7 HERE

* * *

Episode 1 HERE

Episode 2 HERE

Episode 3 HERE

Episode 4 HERE

Written by Oyinkansola Ige

* * *

From the author of SHADOWS, read this intriguing story series titled FINDING ME, click HERE

* * *

Thank you for dropping by, hope you’ll leave a comment also ;). 

Do remember to subscribe with your email so as to get every post directly in your email box

 

STORIES,

SHADOWS #4

“There’s no sin God cannot forgive. His mercies are endless…”
Bla!Blah!Bla! I had heard that a million and one times…and yet, there seemed to be no change in my life.
After the incident with Lekan, I began attending the Word Study meeting. It was awkward because no one there knew me.

Lekan would check on me once in a while and we would sit together. It was so obvious that he liked me, but I wasn’t too sure of myself.
I surrendered my life to Christ that weekend, and I actually thought things would change. But I still found myself being very horny whenever I saw girls in bikini on magazine covers. I still craved sexual pleasure. But this time, I knew I was wrong. I knew I had given my life to Christ….

A Christian isn’t supposed to do this…a Christian isn’t supposed to do that…It felt more or less like Alter-Casting- giving someone a social role and defining them by that. I became tired of obeying all the “rules” of being a Christian.
But I kept on going or Bible Study. Already, I was making friends with “nice” people… People who seemed to love God, and the ones who didn’t, but were searching on how to…like I was.
Anyway, it continued like that till the semester ended. On the departure night, I and Lekan sat together, as usual. As people trooped out of the chapel, he asked me to wait.
“Remi, have you been enjoying your Christian life?”

WHAT! I am so frustrated.

“Oh….yes…Yes, I have, glory to God. I have been seeing God in ways I cannot explain”.
Cheap lie. I could have told him I was struggling big time, and I felt so unclean, and that I kept relapsing into the very thing I wanted to be free from. I kept on seeing images of myself making love to someone, images of him and I… That I was just in a wrong state of mind.
“That’s good”, Lekan replied as he looked intently at me. He could almost eat me if I let him. “So, will you keep coming next semester?”

NO! I am tired. No one understands me…not even you. You people have it all figured out, I don’t. Maybe God doesn’t just like me…

“Yes, I’d love to”, I lied again. “It would be nice to keep coming, keep serving God.”
He held my hand again and looked into my eyes like he knew that I was lying.
“You can always talk to me, Remi. I am always here…”
Always here? If I hear…You are the deputy leader, soon to be the leader of the word study group…
“I know”, I replied as I squeezed his hand and looked into his eyes.

Honestly all this crap about seeing stars in someone’s eyes…I saw NOTHING. I was only horny….isn’t that what love is? And obviously, he was…and he didn’t seem to know that I could see his trousers emerging forward (if you know what I mean) *wink*
Anyway, we went home the next day. Biodun came to pick me. I was so excited to see him.  Really wanted to ask him how medical school was and how he was doing. I noticed he wasn’t as excited as I was, but I didn’t want to push. I would wait till we got home, then I would ask him questions.

As we journeyed home, thoughts began to flood my mind again. I began to wonder….is there really God? Does He really love me? Why do I still struggle with all these sins? Why can’t I just become “pure” like those girls in the word study unit who speak in tongues like it’s their native language? I didn’t deserve Lekan’s love…He wanted me…all of me I hoped… and all I wanted to feel him in me, physically I mean. It was so weird for me. The funny part is, I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. I only hoped that I wouldn’t burst before I knew I had to let it all out…cos I was dying in silence.

We got home and on entering the sitting room, I was shocked to see a cradle with a baby crying inside. I began to wonder whose baby it was. All of a sudden, a young lady came in. she smiled at Biodun and he smiled back as she went to pick the baby. She sat down and began to breastfeed him. I was trying to understand what was going on…Biodun’s baby? Waoh…
Anyway, I was happy. My brother was a father. Silly assumption but that was the only possibility. I got into my room and began to unpack, and I began to get my questions ready.

How did it happen? When did you find out she was pregnant? Will you still continue to go to school? What is dad saying? What’s the baby’s name? What’s your wife’s name? Questions, questions, and more questions…

Dad and Mum got back from church and I jumped on them like a four-year-old. Dad wasn’t particularly excited to see me, but mum sure hugged me real tight. She asked me how school was and she stroke my hair fondly as usual. “Oluremi, you are not taking care of yourself. Relax this hair now, it’s due…”Mum’s facial expression changed. I looked back and saw the lady with her baby. Mum’s face was filled with tears. She tried to hide it, but I wasn’t so blind was I? I began to wonder why mum was sad…I mean…her son now had a baby. Her grandchild!

Anyway, I guessed mum was just so emotional, so I smiled and held her hand. She looked at me lovingly and smiled. The lady went and greeted Dad. Dad’s expression was…plain. No smile, no frown. He stroked the cheek of the baby and went straight into the room. I didn’t understand…
Rice, Chicken, and Peppersoup… I just loved being at home. I felt honoured that mum did all that for me. We all ate. Even if the table was unusually quiet, I was glad to be home and all. Until something really strange happened…

I was in the parlour watching “Keeping up with the Kardashians”. I could kill to have a body like Kim’s. Unlike her, I had a bulging tummy and heavy thighs. Who would find me attractive enough? Lekan’s thoughts came to my mind but I shoved it away.
As I thought on these things (lol), I heard voices. Dad and Mum didn’t argue much, so I wondered who was shouting at who. I decided to go in. The voices were coming from dad and mum’s room alright.
“Gbemi is my wife as much as you are”

Gbemi…who on earth is Gbemi

“That’s not the point”, mum replied as she sniffed. I wanted to just go back but I was curious about the Gbemi part. “You cheated on me with that little girl…do you know how that makes me feel?”
“I said I was sorry” “It’s too late to be sorry, Lanre. You have another baby. You will have to tell Remi yourself…”
I was shocked to my bones. My legs began to shake like I wanted to pee or puke at the same time. Tears welled up in my eyes…I became really distraught. The lights of their room went off…I guess the argument was over. Everything began to make sense. Dad’s baby.                 I had a new sibling, which was the answer to the unusual silences in the house… It was going to be a dramatic holiday…

 I lay down that night and looked at the ceiling. Really wish I could just have a different life…..free of drama. I could imagine how hurt mum was…Gbemi was your ideal…tall, slim, hot babe…and mum had so many folds on her tummy…and stretch marks too… I just didn’t understand anymore. Dad and Mum were fervent church goers….and yet; Dad couldn’t keep his “little nice guy” together. I was so sad. So I cried…until I slept off…hoping Saturday would bring a better situation.
I just hoped God was seeing all these…I really hoped.

* * *

Continue to Episode 5 HERE

* * *

Episode 1 HERE

Episode 2 HERE

Episode 3 HERE

Written by Oyinkansola Ige

* * *

From the author of SHADOWS, read this intriguing story series titled FINDING ME, click HERE

* * *

Thank you for dropping by, hope you’ll leave a comment also ;). 

Do remember to subscribe with your email so as to get every post directly in your email box.

 

STORIES,

SHADOWS #3

“Okay”, Lekan replied.
He smiled at me as he looked at his wristwatch consecutively. “Gosh, I didn’t even know time had gone so much babes”, he said as he got up and hugged Sola. He seemed reluctant to hug me in front of Sola, so he held my hand. “See you guys around”, he said as he rushed out of the cafeteria.

I sat, numb and helpless. I felt like I was caged by Sola, and that she wouldn’t leave me alone…even if I just needed some space.
“I don’t understand you, Remi”, she said as she sat down and looked at me
“How do you mean?” I asked as I played with my hair.
“You know I don’t want you around any guy, let alone my brother?” she asked spitefully. “Are you tired of this relationship, Remi?” she asked as she looked like she could see every thought in my heart.
YES! YES! Of course, I am…
“It’s not that, Sola”, I replied as I began to stutter. “It’s just that I….I…I…”
“You need your space?” she asked as she looked into my eyes sternly.
“Something like that…”, I replied in a fearful tone.

She stood up almost immediately…I could see that her eyes were already red.
“I knew something like this was going to happen, Remi.” she began as she squeezed her fist. You’ve met someone else, right?”
Someone else? Seriously? I was just tired, arggh!
“No…I…”
“Shut up and let me finish” she cut in, as some students began to look at us. I wanted to enter the ground. I tried making signals to her that she was shouting, but I doubt she was listening to me.
“It’s not that, Sola”, I replied with tears in my eyes.
“You think I allowed you touch me and all, just for the fun of it? You think my body is some toy?” she whispered as tears began to fall from her eyes.

I didn’t understand the situation anymore. It was like I was losing all forms of love I had for her…even sexually. I did not understand, neither could I place a finger on why I was the way I was…
She walked away almost immediately….and I knew there was trouble.
We stopped talking, or rather, she stopped talking to me. She began to get close to Shannel, one of our classmates… Of course, I heard that Shannel was also a lesbian and that she was hot cake in Lagos. She would visit big madams in Alausa, and they would give her good love and good money…but somehow she was so coded about it, only a few knew what she was up to. Our course mates began to ask if I and Sola were fighting….I could not even respond to them.

Countless nights, I became restless….Like my body was craving for something It has no access to. Finally, one night, I decided I could do without having someone touch me…and so I browsed on videos and well… you know the rest. I began to touch myself and excite myself. It became a daily habit, like a stronghold. I couldn’t stop. I began to relish times that I would be alone, where the lights would be off. Of course, Sola now slept in Shannel’s room (Shannel was in Dorcas female Hall, while I was in Mary Female Hall) so….it was just me and my other roommates, who didn’t give a flip about me. I would continue to bring myself all the pleasure I wanted…

But deep down, I knew there was something more to life than sex and the pleasures that come with it…I just didn’t know why I felt that way…
One night as I was getting ready for bed, I heard some girls whispering.
“I heard they caught two girls in Dorcas hall”
They began to giggle and ask who and what and bla bla. I cared less anyway. Immediately I got into the room, I saw my roommates waiting for me.
“So, they caught Sola and Shannel in Dorcas hall”, Ifenachi said in a rather sarcastic tone.
I was as pale as ever. My heart began to pound. I became so frightened. What if Sola exposed me? My knees began to wobble and I began to sweat profusely.

“I hope you realize that God is on your side. Do you want to get expelled?” Tola asked as she looked at me with such pity. They put their hands on my shoulder almost immediately, as if they knew I wanted to cry. Anyway…
I began to cry. Tola and Ifenachi left the room almost immediately (as if they knew I needed to wail).
That night, I lost all manner of strength to do the usual…I saw Sola in my dream threatening to deal with me mercilessly if I did not confess. It was such a restless night. And there was no one to talk to.

The next day, I heard that Sola had already gone home. She didn’t even come to the room to get her things. I was confused and distraught at everything. Questions began to pop in my mind. ‘What if we never broke up?” What if I was the one who was caught? If I had gone home? What if people had seen me? What if …..
That moment, I decided that I was going to stop!
I didn’t even know where to start. Already, I heard that there was a Bible study Foundation Class. But I didn’t think it was for someone like me…until the next day.

Someone announced my name. As I got downstairs, I saw Lekan….He looked really sad; I only hoped that Sola hadn’t told him anything. “Lekkie” what’s up?
“Remi…how are you?” he asked as he cleaned his face.
“I am fine”. I touched his face and his face lighted up a bit. “You’ve been crying Lekan, what is it?” I asked as I glanced briefly at his parents.
“My parents asked me to come help pick Sola’s things. Apparently, they are sad that my sister is a lesbian…I don’t even know what to do or say…” He continued to sob…I could do nothing but stare at this amazing man cry. I could feel his pain…could I?

Tola, Ifenachi, and I helped bring Sola’s things downstairs. Her parents were not even smiling at all. I can imagine…my parents would have beaten the life out of me. When they finished putting all the luggage in the car, they gave my roommates and I some money to share. I wasn’t particularly excited about it because I sensed Lekan knew that I was a lesbian (that I am a lesbian LOL) And my fears were confirmed.

As his parents drove off, he walked back towards me and asked me to walk with him to the cafeteria. I decided to since the only threat that stood between us had been “expelled”. As we walked, I noticed how cold he was all of a sudden.
“Lekan, are you alright?”
He stopped immediately and looked at me. His eyes that used to look so gentle suddenly resembled flames of fire. He looked into my eyes; I could feel his gaze piercing into the deep parts of my soul.
“Remi, do you love yourself?”
I wondered what he meant, although I hoped that he did not know about my sexual affinities.
“Yes I do”, I replied as I cast my head down.
He brought my head up and looked into my eyes again.
“Remi, I am deeply in love with you”.
I blushed like a baby….I wondered what he saw…in a lesbian like me…
“But if you are not willing to love yourself, what we share will never grow.” He left almost immediately. I knew he began crying again because his legs were wobbly and he was literally walk-running towards the cafeteria. I stood and watched him go until he became a distant shadow.
And soon, tears began to trickle from my eyes too.

And then, I knew I needed that Bible Class…

* * *

Continue to Episode 4 HERE

* * *

Episode 1 HERE

Episode 2 HERE

Written by Oyinkansola Ige

* * *

From the author of SHADOWS, read this intriguing story series titled FINDING ME, click HERE

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Thank you for dropping by, hope you’ll leave a comment also ;). 

Do remember to subscribe with your email so as to get every post directly in your email box.

 

STORIES,

SHADOWS #2

“Remi?”

I looked back and saw my roommate’s brother, Lekan looking at me as I paid for food in the cafeteria. Yeah, we had a thing for each other, and it looked like it could work if we gave it a chance…

Being in Covenant University, of course, opened my eyes to a lot. To the endless rules and regulations, to the new people who seemed strange to me, and to people like me who were not scared to explore new stuff. To handsome guys- some who loved my body and some who…I really did not understand what they wanted. We were already in the second semester, and despite my “issues”, I seemed to be doing pretty well in class…with a CGPA of 4.49…it’s not beans oh…who agrees with me?

“Hey Lekkie”, I replied as I looked at him from up to down. He looked incredibly handsome, but I knew he was a no-go area. We hugged each other, and well, he didn’t want to let go, but I sort of pushed him…

“How’s life?” He asked as he held my hand. I felt goosebumps all over my fair skin.
Let me tell you a bit about Lekkie. Lekkie, 300 level, Banking and Finance. Tall, handsome and very intelligent too… He is the deputy leader of the word study group and was well respected in the student body.

And I… I was a shameless…… (let’s not go there)

“Life is good” I replied as I grabbed a chair and sat, hoping he would leave. But he stayed…. I wanted him to leave _

“Seems like you don’t want to talk?” He asked as I looked at him with so much… pity.

Of course not, are you blind?

“NO, it’s not that”, I replied as I began looking everywhere. I didn’t want Sola- my roommate, to see me with her brother. She would freak out. And I didn’t want anyone knowing that…

I and Sola like I said were roommates. She enjoyed sleeping on my bed and watching movies with me. She seemed scared of sleeping alone and insisted on sleeping on my bed with me. Of course, one thing led to the other and we began to explore….My roommates (Tola and Ifenachi) knew something was going on, but they seemed too scared to even say anything…so they simply avoided us. All they did was look at us with those…”eyes”… I was hoping the session would end fast so I could avoid them altogether… and live a sane life…If only my body would let me be.

We became like twins, always everywhere together…well, not everywhere. There was this time that a 500 level chemical engineering guy was on my case. He really liked me, and I sort of liked him, but I wasn’t too sure. It seemed mixed up. I wasn’t sure if I loved him more than I loved Sola. Sola didn’t make it any easier. She told the boy several times to back off, but the guy thought she was bluffing…

Until one day…something strange happened.

Soji (His name) was coming back from the department. We met up on the road, and as usual, he wanted us to talk. We continued to talk about stuff, classes, friends, and roommates… when I decided that I wanted to withdraw from the ATM in front of the cafeteria. It seemed so crowded…I wasn’t the only one who needed money joor. After I withdrew the money, I noticed Soji wasn’t around anymore. I came out and zap…!!! He was gone. I searched for him in the easiest places possible but…he was gone.

I wondered where he went, but I went to the hostel and related my issue to Sola. Sola advised me to forget him. She told me she would take care of me (I knew what she meant) and well; we made out that night….as usual, nothing deep, just plain stuff…

After a week, I and Sola were coming back from class when we saw him. I was so excited to see him. But I noticed that as soon as he saw Sola, his facial expression changed, and he withdrew…

As we walked, I began to wonder what Sola could have told Soji.

“Babes, did you and Soji have any conversation?” I asked

“How do you mean?” she asked me with a questioning look.

“Soji…the way he looked at you…”, I stammered.

She smiled and gave me a familiar pat on my back. “Babe, forget him jare, I don’t know what you see in the guy sef” she said as we continued to walk to the hostel. Everything in me told me that she told Soji something, but….I had no proof.

So I had to forget about Soji anyway.

“Listen”, Lekan began. “I have told you, you have nothing to worry about. I have prayed about this, I know you are the kind of girl I want to be with…”

Are you sure? I am gay oh…

I looked up, and suddenly, I saw Sola. She came into the cafeteria and she looked really upset. I was so scared, I almost moved. Lekan noticed I was distracted and he looked my way and saw her. He stood up on seeing her facial reaction. I froze because I could only imagine the worst.

“Is something wrong, Sola?” Lekan asked as he ushered her to a chair beside him.

Sola smiled as she sat down. She looked at me with disdain, I knew that look…

“Yes Lekan”, she replied as she smiled wickedly at me.

“What is it?” He asked.

“I need to tell you something, but that will be later, dear”, she replied him as she looked at me again, disdainfully. Already I knew she didn’t want me with her brother…I just never knew what lengths she would take to keep me away from him…

Until that day…

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Continue to Episode 3 HERE

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Episode 1 HERE

Written by Oyinkansola Ige

* * *

From the author of SHADOWS, read this intriguing story series titled FINDING ME, click HERE

* * *

Thank you for dropping by, hope you’ll leave a comment also ;). 

Do remember to subscribe with your email so as to get every post directly in your email box.

STORIES,

SHADOWS #1

My struggle with pornography began when I was three.

Mum and Dad would sit in the living room watching movies rated 18. We would sit with them, of course. But whenever it got to a particular “part”, mum would ask I and Biodun to close our eyes, and then open again after 3 minutes or less. I wondered why….and well; my curiosity got the better part of me.

One day, mum travelled, and dad was working late. I and Biodun were at home and we watched a movie. We saw what we were not supposed to see. Although I doubt it affected Biodun (he never talked about it), it awoke strange fires in my body.

At five, I began to imagine myself being fondled by men and even girls. I thought I was a hermaphrodite because I seemed to have those kinds of feelings for both my female friends and for guys who seemed to fit into that role.

I couldn’t talk about it. Mum believed I was a good girl, dad believed in my brains.
But I…. I believed in nothing.

Of course, guys did not seem too attracted to me, for reasons I did not understand. I tried to be nice.  To be a “take home to mama” kind of girl. I wanted a guy to just flirt with me, at least. But…

LIE…no way.

So in secondary school, I gave up waiting for guys and I began to… explore other options…Girls and girls. I became attached to my bunkmate, Eva. She and I began by always touching each other’s fingers and the other delicate parts of our bodies. I enjoyed it…

But it didn’t give me the satisfaction I wanted.
It felt like I was looking for something… for someone…. I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t know why. I just knew my body was accepting it, but my soul was crying out for salvation.

Things continued with Eva and I, I met Shade, and then…. It became worse. Shade was fully into the art of lesbianism. We began in full force, and every night, we would switch off the lights of our rooms (lights out) and continue fueling our lustful desires. It was…inappropriate, rushed, unbridled lust, but I loved it…

And yet, I felt so dissatisfied.

The funny thing was no one knew about it. I was an expressive lady. And yet I had so much locked up within me. For fear of being judged, for fear of being ridiculed and ostracized, I decided that my lesbianism, sexual tendencies would remain my little secret. Even Biodun, my sweet brother, knew nothing. He seemed to be taking life easy as he was always immersed in his books. He wanted to be a medical doctor, I….didn’t know what I wanted to be.

Oh, well. The drama began when I got into University. Attending a public university would have been hell for me, so my parents decided I should go to Covenant University.

That University was my freedom place…. And my drama place. It was there that my struggle with lust came to fore,

…. And I knew I needed help….

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Continue to Episode 2 HERE

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Written by Oyinkansola Ige

* * *

From the author of SHADOWS, read this intriguing story series titled FINDING ME, click HERE

* * *

Thank you for dropping by, hope you’ll leave a comment also ;). 

Do remember to subscribe with your email so as to get every post directly in your email box.

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